10 tips for Atheists

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

Despite my belief in Bigfoot, aliens and ghosts I don't believe in God. The difference between these four things is that there is proof that the first three exist and no proof of the latter.
I do believe that there is a positive pool of energy in the world and a negative pool of energy in the world and that whatever pool you contribute to is the pool you're given from but that's as far as I'll go.
Common sense and a good education should be enough to tell you that all religion is based on lies, misinformation and fear.
I don't really want to hear what your made-up Jesus did for you because if I want to hear insane babble I'll visit a mental hospital ... or my sisters.

  • Don't fear making fun of Christians because God is not there to protect them.

  • Do not get into a religious debate with those who believe in God because in their mind you are wrong and God loves them. Common sense and evidence won't change their mind.

  • Christians may become violent (i.e. abortion doctor killings) if you push too hard. They are not only not that bright but they are living on a very thin line of sanity.

  • Most Christians will always try to save you. Apparently God is holding a contest to see who can get the most conversions. If a Christian begins trying to minister fake a seizure or other reasonable illness. They may try and lay hands on you but someone will probably call an ambulance to get you away from them. A good kick in the crotch may also have the desired effect.

  • Read the bible. Nothing will affirm your non-belief faster than reading this ridiculous book. The contradictions and silly stories contained within will clarify everything you need to know to be a happy non-believer.

  • Phone your Christian friends when they're not home and leave a message telling them that you've found Jesus. When they call back tell them that you made a mistake and that it was actually a homeless person rooting through your garbage for food.

  • Before you Christian friend comes for a visit hang a crucifix upside down on the wall. The longer it takes them to notice and fix the problem the better chance you have of saving them from themselves. The real insane Christians will not only resolve the matter quickly but will leave quickly as well. Good!

  • Name your child "Diablo", "Loki", "Lucifer", etc and invite your Christian friend to something called a "mother earth tree spirit baptism" for the child. Nothing will get the more unstable Christians out of your life faster. Just make sure that they can't get near your kids. Christians love getting them when they're young.

  • Sometimes these people will come to your door in groups of two to preach. Answering the door dressed in crotchless panties and a cape made from a Snoopy blanket will pretty much guarantee that they won't be back for at least another four to six weeks. It must be a Snoopy blanket. I cannot stress this enough.

  • Preach to your Christian buddies bout the joy, love and peace that Satan has brought you to your life. Throw some black candles around your living room to add to the effect.

Either these tips will cleanse your life of Christians or help those Christian friends see the error of their sinful ways.
Good luck true believer!

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