"Touche" Needs To Stop Talking

Friday, August 31, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

Some angry person left this comment on my "Halloween" Workprint post :

Touche' said...

...and you haven't even seen yet, have you?! You're a fucking moron. I can't stand obnoxious little nerds like you who get on their computers and dictate their retarded opinions to people.

By the way, if you're so "In the know" and shit, then why haven't you read the interview where John Carpenter said, "I really enjoyed Rob's visualization of Halloween. He really took it to the next level."

Anyway, close your fucking mouth until you know what the fuck you're talking about...

-Touche'

8/31/2007 7:26 AM


I responded with this :

wewerethecoolkids said...

When did I say I was ever "in the know", or since when am I not allowed to have an opinion?
John Carpenter got a big check for allowing them to do this, and so what else is he going to say? "I hate this film"?
Why would he want to look hypocritical?
The original film was a classic because it didn't resort to the sleazy tactics that this new one has.
This new version will never be considered a classic.
Do the world a favor, and head on back to your tacky MySpace page.
I understand they added more gore, a new ending and removed the rape scene for the theatrical release. Are they stupid enough to believe that that's going to make a difference?

8/31/2007 1:28 PM


You should dig this idiots MySpace page. It's certainly the site of someone who shouldn't be calling anyone a moron.
Are drive-by shootings, fried chicken and acquiring as much bling as possible not fulfilling to him anymore?
That may sound racist, but it's utterly true when you're as big a cliche as him.
He's soooo gangster.
I'll try not to lose sleep over the stupid people in the world.

P.S
I've seen both versions of the remake, and they are equally tacky.
Where would this moron get the impression that I am commenting on a movie that I haven't seen?

Arthur
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Did We Really Need To Be Told This?

Dear Constant Reader,

You're clearly retarded if you need to be told any of this :
Who's profiting from the Iraq war?

Arthur
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Clusterbox - The Movie

Dear Constant Reader,

I have an idea for a movie.
A man gets a whole crapload of cbu mailboxes, a fake identity for each of them, buys a crapload of insurance for each identity and promptly starts faking their deaths to collect.
I was watching a news story about a man in Europe who did this, and actually got away with it.
Totally? Yes totally.
The authorities couldn't prove that he'd done any of it.
They had a whole mountain of evidence, and every single piece of it was useless.
God Bless Europe.
Those guys seem to have the can-do attitude that the rest of the world no longer has.

Arthur
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Honoring Realtors - Really?

Dear Constant Reader,

The story (briefly) :
Jeff Daley, of Keller Williams Realty - Scottsdale, has been recognized by the prestigious Institute for Luxury Home Marketing for his recent performance in the million-dollar and above luxury home market in the Scottsdale, Arizona metro area and has earned membership in the prestigious international Million Dollar Guild.

My thoughts :
It never ceases to amaze me what people get honored for nowadays.
Because this person managed to get rid of the most Scottsdale real estate, he gets a prize?
I wasn't aware that selling a lot of people something that they can't afford, and will end up losing is worth of an award of some kind.
I say we start honoring serial killers for out-killing other serial killers if we're going to ignore evil intentions and deeds.
Way to go, Jeff!
I hope that you sleep well tonight.

Arthur
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"Halloween" Workprint

Dear Constant Reader,

It's pretty safe to say that you shouldn't get your padded panty in a bunch over Rob Zombie's bastardization of John Carpenter's classic film.
The workprint does differ from the theatrical release, but I'm still going to say that any version of this film is going to completely blow.
I couldn't believe my freakin' eyes.
I'm a sad horror fan.
Hear that?
It's the sound of John Carpenter blowing his brains out.
Rob Zombie may be a great musician, but has never made a good film ... ever.

Arthur
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Some College Football Predictions

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

Here's my psychic predictions for the upcoming college football games.
Pay attention, bitch.
My predicted winners are in bold. :

Thursday: Aug. 30th: OPENING NIGHT!

LSU vs. Mississippi State
Utah vs. Oregon State

Friday: Aug. 31st:

Washington vs. Syracuse

Saturday: Sept. 1st:

Marshall vs. Miami

Nevada vs. Nebraska

Houston vs. Oregon

Washington State vs. Wisconsin

Georgia Tech vs. Notre Dame

Missouri vs. Illinois

Wake Forest vs. Boston College

Arizona vs. BYU

Oklahoma State vs. Georgia

Kansas State vs. Auburn

Tennessee vs. California

Monday: Sept. 3rd: Labor Day

Florida State vs. Clemson

Arthur
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Cyber-Bullying? Give me a fucking break

Dear Constant Reader,

Let's take a look at this article that was written by an MSN ass-hat.
My comments are in bold.

Perspective: When Cyberbullying Hits Teens
By Eric J. Sinrod, Partner, Duane Morris
I recently wrote about a report that indicates teenagers generally are taking some privacy steps to protect themselves from online risks.

That report from the Pew Internet & American Life Project was somewhat of a relief to read. However, another recent Pew report examines a different threat faced by teens: cyberbullying.

As opposed to real bullying where kids have a risk to life and limb? "I got a mean Instant Message boohoo". Suck it up nancy.

About one-third of teenagers on the Internet report that they have been targets of "menacing" online activities, such as receiving threatening messages, having their private e-mails or instant and text messages forwarded without consent, having an embarrassing photo posted without permission, or having rumors spread about them online. On top of this, girls are more likely than boys to be targets.

So someone put a picture of you on Facebook with pimples and you want us to fucking sympathize? Um ... no.

In terms of raw numbers, 15 percent of teenagers state that they have had private e-mail, instant messages or text messages forwarded or posted without permission; 13 percent claim that they have had rumors spread about them online; 13 percent have received a threatening or aggressive e-mail, instant message or text message; 6 percent have had embarrassing photos of them posted online without consent; and 32 percent fall within in at least one of the four foregoing categories.

You were the victim of an online rumor? How do you get out of bed in the morning?

In terms of the cyberbullying gender gap, 38 percent of online girls report being bullied when compared with 26 percent of online boys. Older teenage girls are the most likely to report bullying, with 41 percent of online girls from the 15 to 17 age group reporting such experiences.

Moreover, teens who use social-network sites such as MySpace.com and Facebook and teens who use the Internet on a daily basis also are more likely to be victims of cyberbullying. Indeed, 39 percent of social-networking teens have been bullied online when compared with 22 percent of online teens who do not use social networks.

So then it's the the fault of MySpace and not parents who can't parent?

The most common form of cyberbullying is someone taking a private e-mail, instant message or text message and forwarding it to someone else or posting it publicly. The best advice for teens here is that they should not say anything in their electronic communications that they would not want the whole world to see. Easier said than done, of course.

So try to avoid conversations like this :

Susie : I wuz blowing Billy last night and he had a pimple on hiz cock.
Lucy : U BLEW BILLY ZOMG LOLLZ

You wouldn't want the boys to think that you suck dick because that would really hurt your popularity with them.


Because social-networking teens tend to experience more cyberbullying, teens could be advised not to participate in social-networking sites. However, such sites really have become a standard communications medium for teens and they may feel socially excluded if they do not participate. Thus, if they do participate, they should take best steps to protect their privacy--such as interacting only with true, known "friends"--by not disclosing much personally identifiable information, and by not joining general groups.

Hear that? Don't give some dude in a Yahoo! chatroom your phone number and you won't have a problem. Wow ... logic. Or just toss your computer out the window. Either/or.

While there is much concern these days about threats to teens online, an interesting aspect of the memo is that 67 percent of teens say that bullying happens more offline than online, and only 29 percent state that bullying is more likely to happen online. Thus, while it is important to focus on and try to prevent malicious online conduct, we must not lose our focus in terms of warding off harassing conduct in the physical world too.

The majority of bullying happens offline? Shocking. So then you wrote this story because?

Arthur
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Why School Shootings Happen

Dear Constant Reader,

Mystery solved :



Arthur
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Furniture ... Mother, Father, Secret Lover?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

Our neighbors purchased a set of teak outdoor furniture that I would love to dry hump.
It's the most beautiful outdoor set I've ever seen, and I have to resist the urge to sneak into their yard and do scary things to it.
We've never had a really nice set of patio furnishings, and I'm jealous to the point of complete insanity.
I'm now going to take some pictures of their new furniture, crawl into bed and touch myself to the glossies of these backyard masterpieces.
Be back later.

Arthur
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"The Good Guy" By Dean Koontz

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm currently reading "The Good Guy", by Dean Koontz and I'm loving it.
Dean Koontz is like a light meal, and this latest book is probably his easiet to digest.
It's jam packed with plot holes, but it's still the best of the books I've read this year ... so far.
Grab yourself a copy, and enjoy.
Is there anything wrong with me enjoying a book that requires one to completely shut down their brain for a night?

Arthur
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Beating My Caretaker To Death

Dear Constant Reader,

My caretaker is taking another trip to some ungodly location, and I would really love to beat him to death.
It would be simple to bang the a-hole over the head with a piece of sturdy Samsonite, and cut off his head.
Why cut off the head?
Because that's how I roll, bitches.
The guy can't afford to fix a washer, but he can afford to travel the planet?
Who's dick is he sucking to pay for these trips, and who's dick do I gotta suck to take a trip myself?

Arthur
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The End Of The World Is Near

Dear Constant Reader,

You should totally be prepared to hide under your office desks, and beds.
Why?
I'm quite sure that the end of the world is headed our way.
Michael Bay is currently producing a remake of "The Birds".
I still say that Mikey should dig up Hitchcock's massive corpse, bend him over his headstone and have rough anal sex with the poor guy.
It would be way better than Michael Bay bastardizing another classic of film.

Arthur
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Go Lindsay Go

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,



HOLLYWOOD - Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has been dubbed "a model patient" by insiders at the Utah rehab clinic she checked into last month, despite claims to the contrary.

In a TV exclusive that aired on Friday's Entertainment Tonight, a silhouetted former Cirque Lodge patient suggested the actress is getting celebrity treatment from carers and is difficult with staff.

But TMZ.com claims the opposite is true, according to their sources.

Insiders at the Oren, Utah, clinic, considered one of the best rehabs in America, claim Lohan is taking her third counseling camp stint of 2007 very seriously, attending every meeting, working with psychologists and even agreeing to take on menial tasks she's handed.

These include washing dishes and cleaning toilets.

TMZ.com sources claim the woman who took her claims about Lohan to the media dropped out of a sister clinic "against medical advice" days after the actress checked herself in and would only have had access to her through meetings.

Arthur
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O ... K

Dear Constant Reader,

I ran into a couple (Carol and Bob) who wanted to know if I wanted to join them in a threesome.
That's kind of a silly question, but I took them up on their offer.
I hope it isn't that like time with ... well ... nevermind.
I'm having a threesome tonight.
What I wonder is who's going to do who, and how?

Arthur
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Oh ... My ... Fucking ... God

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm going to let this hillbilly video speak for itself ...

"Redneck Asshole Father :


My parents used to read to me.
Sigh.

Arthur
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A Giant Announcement ... Maybe

Friday, August 10, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm not very good at making announcements, and so I won't tell you about the film set that I got invited to until Monday.
This weekend I'm going to pack up, and get prepared for one of the most exciting invitations I've ever had.
I sure know how to leave my readers dangling huh?
It's not that big of a film, but it's exciting enough to make me want to actually get out of the house, and away from the fun insanity of my family.

Arthur
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Roleplaying Not Everything It's Cracked Up To Be

Dear Constant Reader,

I met a very strange woman who was into sexual role playing, and she asked me about my fantasies.
I was going to ask if tying her up with a dirty table tablecloth, attaching a car battery to her nipples and pushing her down the stairs counted as a fantasy, but I didn't.
Why do people feel the need to spice things up with roleplay?
Isn't it good enough more to just get buck naked, and fuck?
I suppose that I'm never going to understand these people at all.

Arthur
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Dr. Phil - Doctor & Dork

Dear Constant Reader,

I was watching Dr. Phil today (don't ask me why) and it seems to me that Dr. Phil should stop telling parents how to ... well ... parent.
What should parents do about brats?
My guess is that they should get some kind of children insurance, wait a while, and then throw the little snots down the stairs.
That would solve the problem of poor behavior would it not?

Arthur
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Best List Ever

Dear Constant Reader,

100% all-beef thermometer
21st digit
Ace in the hole
Acorn Andy
Action Jackson
Adam Halfpint
Admiral Winky
African black snake
Afro man
AIDS baster
AIDS grenade, The
Alabama blacksnake
Albino cave dweller
All-day sucker
Anaconda
Anal impaler
Anal intruder
Anal Spear
Antennae
Anchor
Ankle spanker
Apple-headed monster
Ass blaster
Ass pirate
Ass wedge
Astralgod
Auger-headed gut wrench
Ba-donk-a-donk
Baby maker
Baby Shooter
Baby's arm holding an apple
Baby's arm in a boxing glove
Bacon bazooker
Bacon rod
Badboy
Bagpipe
Bald Avenger, The
Bald butler
Bald-headed beauty
Bald-headed giggle stick
Bald-headed hermit
Bald-headed Jesus
Bald-headed yogurt slinger
Baldy-headed spunk-juice dispenser
Ball buddy
Baloney pony
Banana
Bat and balls
Baton
Battering ram
Bayonet
Bavarian Beefstick
Bean stalk
Beard splitter
Bearded burglar
Beastus maximus
Beaver buster
Beaver Cleaver
Bed snake
Beef baton
Beef bayonet
Beef belt buckle
Beef bugle
Beef bus
Beef missile
Beef soldier
Beef stick
Beefy McManstick
Bell rope
Belly stick
Best leg of three
(Big) Beanpole
Big Dick & the twins
Big Dickus
Big Jake the ene-eyed snake
Big Jim and the Twins
Big Johnson
Big Lebowski
Big number one
Big Mac
Big red
Big rod
Big Uncle
Biggus Dickus
Billy Club
Bilbo Baggins
Bishop, The
Bishop with his nice red hat
Bitch blaster
Bitch stick
Bits and pieces
Blind butler
Blind snake
Blood blunt
Blood engorged mayonnaise cannon
Blood slug
Blood sword
Blow pop
Blowtorch
Blue steel
Blue-veined jackhammer
Blue-veined junket pumper
Blue-veined piccolo
Blue-veined puss chucker
Blue-veiner
Blunt
Bob
Bob Dole
Bob Johnson
Bobo
Bologna pony
Bone
Bone phone
Bone rollercoaster
Boneless beef
Boneless fish
Boneless Rib
Boner
Boney cannelloni
Bone-her
Boon-Dorg
Boom stick
Bop gun
Bottle rocket
Bow-legged swamp donkey
Box buster
Boybrush
Bradford and the pair
Bratwurst
Breakfast burrito
Breakfast wood
Broom
Broom Handle
Brutus
Bubba
Bulbulous big-knob
Buoy
Bumtickler
Bush beater
Bush rusher
Bushwhacker
Buster Hymen
Buster McThunderstick
Butt blaster
Butt pirate
Butter churn
Butterknife
Buzz Saw
Camel rider
Candy cane
Canelo
Cattle Prod
Caped crusader
Captain Bilbo
Captain Crook
Captain Hook
Captain Howdy
Captain Kirk
Captain Winky
Carnal stump
Cattle prod
Cave hunter
Cax
Cervix crusader
Cervix pounder
Chancellor, The
Chap
Charlie Russell the one-eyed muscle
Cheese staff
Cherry picker
Cherry poppin' daddy
Cherry splitter
Chi Zi Wang
Chick sticker
Chicksicle
Chief of staff
Chimbo
Chimney
Chimney cleaner
Choo-choo
Choad (chode)
Chorizo
Chowder dumper
Chubby
Chubby conquistador, The
Chum
Chunk 'o' love
Chunder thunder
Cigar
Circus boy
Clam digger
Clam hammer
Clam sticker
Clit tickler
Clown, The
Cob
Cock
Cock goblin
Cock-a-saurus Rex
Cocktus
Cockus erectus
Codger
Colon cowboy
Colon crusader
Colossus
Coral branch
Cork Screw
Corndog
Cornholer
Cornstalk
Cornstalk cowboy
Crack hunter
Crack smacker
Cramstick
Crank
Crank shaft
Cream-filled meat stick
Cream bandit
Cream cannon
Cream Horn
Creamsicle
Creamstick
Cream spritzer
Crimson chitterling
Crimson Darth Vader
Crippler
Crotch cobra
Crotch cowboy
Crotch rocket
Crotch vomiter
Crushin' Russian, The
Cum pump
Cum Rocket
Cummingtonite
Cunny-catcher
Cunt caper, The
Cunt companion
Cunt pumper
Cunt rifle
Cunt scrubber
Cupid's arrow
Curious George
Custard cannon
Custard chucker
Custard pump
Cyclops
Cycloptic milk spitter
Daddy Long-stroke
Dancing Cobra
Danger the one-eyed ranger
Danglin' fury
Danglin' wang
Dangling participle
Dart of love
Darth Vader
Davy Crockett
Deep-veined purple-helmeted spartan of love
Deeder
Deep Sea Diver
Dependable Bendable
Demeanor, The
Devils Play Thing
Diamond cutter
Dick
Dick Of Death
Dickimus Maximus
Dickory dock
Dickory-smoked coal sausage
Digit
Diller
Dilly-ho-ho
Ding-a-ling
Ding-dong
Dingaroo
Dingle
Dingle dangle
Dingledong
Dinglehopper
Dingus
Dingy
Dinky
Dipstick
Dirk Diggler
Divining rod
Dobber
Docking tube
Dog knot
Doggy
Dolly
Dolly Rod
Dolphin
Dong
Dong-bong
Dong-stick
Dongle
Donker
Donkey Kong
Doo-dad
Doo-dar
Dooflinky
Doodle
Doodle dandy
Dooker
Doo-hickey
Dowel
Dowsing Rod
Doppelganger
Dora the anal explorer
Dork
Doughnut holder
Dribbling dart of love
Dribbling dragon
Drill Bit
Dr. Cyclops
Dr. Feelgood
Dr. Wang
Drum Stick
Duke, The
Dumb stick
Dungula bone
Early riser, The
Earthworm Jim
Easy rider
Egg roll
Eight inches of blunt fury
Eight inches of throbbing pink Jesus
Equipment
El Capitan
El Presidente
Elastic plastic
Elephant trunk
Elmer the glue shooter
Elvis
Ejection Switch
Engine cranker
Everlasting gob-dropper
Every-other-time
Excalibur
Excreting eel
Extension Cord
Executive staff member
Fallopian fiddler
Family jewels
Fandangle
Fandangled mandangler
Fat Albert
Fat finger
Fat Johnson
Fetus feeler
Fiddle bow
Fiddle stick
Fire breathing dragon
Fire hose
Fire rod
Fireman
Fireman Ed
Firm worm
Fish hook
Fishing rod
Fishing tackle
Flapdoodle
Fleshbone
Flesh bat
Flesh cigar
Flesh enema
Flesh flute
Flesh hoagie
Flesh injection
Flesh maggot
Flesh missile
Flesh pistol
Flesh rocket
Flesh tornado
Flesh trumpet
Flesh twinkie
Fleshy Winnebago, The
Flip-flap
Fluid spitter
Foaming beef probe
Foo-foo
Foofer (Foof)
Fool sticker
Footlong
Folding Antennae
Fondo worm
Frank 'n' beans
Frankfurter
Freddy firehose
Freddy fish monger
Free Willy
Frigamajig
Frightful Hog, The
Fuck ferret
Fuck flute
Fuck puppet
Fuckpole
Fuckstick
Fudgebar
Fudgepacker
Fuel Injector
Full meal
Fun gun
Fun truncheon
Fury, The
Fuzzbuster
Gadget
Gag mallet
Gap stopper
Garden Hose
Gash mallet
Gear shift
Gear Shift Knob
General, The
German Helmet
German soldier, The
Gherkin
Giant-sized man-thing
Giggle stick
Gimmer stick
Girthy McGirth
Girthy sausage
Giving tree, The
Gleaming love sword
Glo worm
Gluestick
Goal Post
Godzilla
Goo pipe
Goose's neck
Governor
Grabthar's hammer
Grandpa's knee
Granite edifice
Gravy maker
Great pyramid, The
Grinding tool
Grissel stick
Grower
Gummi worm
Gushin' Prussian, The
Gut buster, The
Gut stick
Gut tappa, The
Gut wrench
Guy, My
Hair splitter
Hairy acorn
Hairy Houdini
Hairy pencil
Hairy scary and the two bald men
Hairy snake
Hammer
Ham roll
Hammer of Thor
Hampton
Handfucker
Handgun
Handwarmer
Handy andy
Hang-lo
Hanging Chad
Hanging hag
Hanging Johnny
Happy Harry Hard-on
Happy worm
Hard-on
Hardware
Harry
Harry & the Hendersons
Harry hot dog
He-ham
He-man sword
He who must be obeyed
Heat-seeking moisture missile
Heavy hitter
Helmet man
Herbie
Herculean lizard
Hercules
Herman the one-eyed German
Herman von Longschlongstein
Hidden treasure
High pressure vein cane
High Hard One
Him-hang
His Eminence
His majesty
His rig
Hockey Stick
Hog
Hog leg
Hole cork
Holy poker
Holy water sprinkler
Homewrecker, The
Homo Erectus
Honeypot cleaver
Honeystick
Honk the Magic Goose
Honker
Horn Dog
Hoo hoo
Hooded warrior
Hooty hoo
Horse-necked clam
Hose
Hot beef injection
Hot dog
Hot popsicle
Hot rod Harvey
Hot stick
Hot tamale
Hugo
Hum-diddler
Hung Wei Lo
Hunka-hunka burnin' love, The
Hymen hammer
Ice cream machine
Ice Pick
Impregnator
Incredible bulk, The
Inflatable iron
Injection erection
Instant sex drive lever
Internal spinal massager
Intrusion protrusion
Invincible man, The
Iron horse
Iron rod
Italian stallion
Itty bitty meat
Ivan the Terrible
Ivory shaft
Jack in the box
Jackhammer
Jake the one-eyed snake
Javelin
Jellyfish
Jerkin' gherkin
Jibberstick
Jigger
Jiggling bone
Jim and the twins
Jiminy Cricket
Jimmer jammer
Jimmy
Jimmy Wriggler
Jing jang
Jingle bone
Jive sausage
Jizz syringe, The
Jizz whiz
Jockey stick
Johnson
John Thomas
John Thursday
Johnny Cockrane
Johnny Come Early
Joint
JoJo the circus clown
Jolly green giant
Jolly jellybean
Joybuzzer
Joyprong
Joystick
Julio
Junior
Junior burger
Junk
Kaptain Kielbasa
Ken cracker
Kentucky horn
Kentucky telescope
Kibble 'n' Bitz
Kick stand
Kidney cracker
Kidney scraper
Kidney wiper
Kielbasa
King Dingaling
King Dong
King, The
Kipper ripper
Knee knocker
Knowledge stick
Knob
Kojak
Komodo dragon
Kong
Kosher pickle
Lady dagger
Lance of love
Lap rope
Last action hero
Launch Tower
Leader of the sack
Leaky faucet
Lever
Leather lollipop
Lewinski lunch
Lickin' stick
Licorice stick
Life preserver
Lil buddy
Lil Mr.
Lincoln log
Little admiral, The
Little bastard
Little Billy
Little bishop in a turtle neck
Little brother
Little Colonel
Little Dickie
Little Dutch boy
Little Elvis
Little friend
Little gator
Little guy
Little Head
Little Jesus
Little Juan
Little man
Little shepherd boy
Little slugger
Little Willy
Live sausage
Live Wire
Lizard
Lobster
Locker room terror
Log Flogger
Log Harp
Lollipop
Long John
Long Dong Silver
Lord Hardwick
Long John
Long Tom
Longrod Von Hugenstein
Lord James D'Armais
Lord Plumber
Louisville plugger
Louisville slugger
Love gun
Love leg
Love log
Love lollipop
Love meat
Love muscle
Love-n-ator, The
Love pole
Love pump
Love sausage
Love stick
Love sub
Love sword
Love thruster
Love train
Love truncheon
Love wand
Love weasel
Love whistle
Love torpedo
Lucky charm
Lucky Chucky
Lunch
Lunchmeat truncheon
Lung disturber
Lung puncturer
(Luscious) Lollipop
Magenta mushroom
Magic Johnson
Magic member
Magic stick
Magic wand
Magic Flute
Main vein
Major Manchowder
Major woody
Man-dingler
Man-milk dispenser
Man-sized manicotti
Manchild
Mangina
Mangroin
Manimal
Man axe
Man cannon
Man hammer
Man in the pink helmet, The
Man loaf
Man log
Man meat
Man muscle
Man pipe
Man plow
Man pole
Man root
Mandingo
Manoy
Man's best friend
Marriage tackle
Marrowbone
Master blaster
Master John Goodfellow
Master of ceremonies
Master Wang
Mayonnaise cannon
Mayonnaise pistol
Maypole
Meat
Meat 'n' potatoes
Meat 'n' (two) veggies
Meat balloon
Meat bat
Meat cigar
Meat enema
Meat flute
Meat hammer
Meat harp
Meat missile
Meat musket
Meat pipe
Meat pole
Meat popsicle
Meat puppet
Meat skewer
Meat speculum
Meat stick
Meat straw
Meat tampon
Meat thermometer
Meat train
Meat twinkie
Meat whistle
Meat wrench
Meatsicle
Meaty cudgel
Meaty internal spine support
Meaty tongue depressor
Melon baster
Member
Menstrual miner
Midas
Middle leg
Midnight wangler, The
Mighty anaconda, The
Mighty Dolan, The
Mighty Joe Young
Mighty monkey
Mighty Thor, The
Milkman
Mini-me
Mister
Mister happy
Moby Dick
Mojo
Molten mushroom, The
Mommy Daddy Button
Monkeymaker
Monkey
Monkey tamer, The
Monster, The
Monty's python
Morning glory
Morning muscle
Moses
Mr. Bendy
Mr. Big
Mr. Bigglesworth
Mr. Bo
Mr. Boing Boing
Mr. Bojangles
Mr. Bozack
Mr. Clean
Mr. Eel-y
Mr. Friendly
Mr. Giggles
Mr. Good Bar
Mr. Happy
Mr. Jiggle Daddy
Mr Johnson and the juice crew
Mr. Magoo
Mr. Matey
Mr. Merrymaker
Mr. Microphone
Mr. Mojo Risin'
Mr. Mouth Missle
Mr. Mushroom head
Mr. Pee-pee
Mr. Peepers
Mr. Plumpy
Mr. Potato Head
Mr. President
Mr. Rogers
Mr. Salami
Mr. Sniffles
Mr. Toad's wild ride
Mr. Wiggles
Mr. Wigglestick
Mr. Wiggly
Mr. Wiggly Flops
Mr. Willy
Mr. Winky
Mr. Wobbly
Muff marauder, The
Muff mole
Muffin butterer
Mule
Murky Lurker, The
Muscle of love
Mushroom cap
Mushroom on a stick
Mushroom-tipped love dart
Mushroom-tipped man sword
Mustn'touchit
Mutton dagger
Mutton javelin
Mutton pole
Muzzled bulldog
Nag
Nail
Nail Spike
Navajo hogan, The
Nebuchadnezzar
Needle
Nightcrawler
Night stick
Nimrod
Nine inch knocker
Nookie Probe
Nudger
Nuke, The
Nut cannon
O'Henry
Ol' diamond cutter
Ol' one-eye
Old Blind Bob
Old chap
Old drizzly
Old faithful
Old fella
Old man
Old slimy
Oliver Twist
One-eyed bath tub eel
One-eyed blue-vein
One-eyed cave dweller
One-eyed Charlie and the Stink Twins
One-eyed cornhusker
One-eyed cow killer
One-eyed custard chucker
One-eyed Fred
One-eyed giant
One-eyed gopher
One-eyed hip snake
One-eyed horny newt
One-eyed Jack
One-eyed milkman
One-eyed moisture missle
One-eyed monster
One-eyed nightcrawler
One-eyed snake
One-eyed superhero
One-eyed throbbing python of love
One-eyed trouser mouse
One-eyed trouser psychic
One-eyed trouser snake
One-eyed trouser trout
One-eyed Willy
One-eyed wonder weasel
One-eyed wonder worm
One-eyed wrinkle-necked trouser trout
One-eyed yogurt thrower
One-holed bologna phone
One-holed friction whistle
One-string bass
Optimus prime
Organ
Other head, The
Otis Deepthroatis
Our one-eyed brother
Ovarian pool stick
Oyster probe
Package
Pacifier
Pajama python
Palm pilot
Panda express
Pants snake
Papa's poker
Passion pistol
Passion pump
Peacemaker
Peanut
Pearl diver
Pearl pole
Pebbles and Bam Bam
Pecker
Pedro
Pee pee
Pee-Wee
Peener
Peenie
Pelvic punisher
Pelvis thumb
Peg
Pencil
Pendulum
Peni
Penial
Pennis the Menace
Pepe
Peppito
Periscope
Percy
Perpendicular bisector
Perpendicular pickle, The
Pete(r)
Peter the Great
Petit Jesu
Phallus
Piccolo
Pickle
Pied piper
Piece
Piece of pork
Pig in a blanket
Pigskin bus
Pigsticker
Pikestaff
Piledriver
Pillipacker
Pimp cane
Pimpin' stick
Pink cigar
Pink Floyd
Pink oboe, The
Pink seeking missile
Pink steel
Pink torpedo
Pinkle
Pinnochio
Pipe cleaner
Piss pump
Piss handle
Piss whistle
Pisser
Piston rod
Placenta poker
Pleasure missile
Pleasure pickle
Pleasure piston
Plonker
Pocket pool stick
Pocket rocket
Polish kielbasa
Polished pine
Plum-tree shaker
Pocket otter
Pocket perch
Pocket rocket
Pocket Sprocket
Poka-her-hontas
Pogo-stick
Pointer
Pole
Polvo
Polyphemus
Pompadoodle
Poon farmer
Poon prod
Poon pounder
Poon wrecker
Poontanger
Poozle weasel (woozle)
Pope John Pole III
Popeye
Porcelain plumber, The
Porridge bazooka
Porridge gun
Pork knife
Pork sword
Pork truncheon
Porkeroon
Porksicle
Porn prong
Porridge pump
Power rod
Powerprawn, The
Premeditator, The
Presidential podium
Presto Log
Prick
Prickolo
Prick, Noodle
Pride and joy
Primus pilus
Prince Charming
Prince Everhard of the Netherlands
Private parts
Probe
Prong
Protein spicket
Protein torpedo
Pube kabob
Pubic bong
Pud
Pudding cannon
Puff the Magic Dragon
Pulsating python of love
Pulsating throat clogger
Pulsating woodwind
Pump-action porridge bazooka
Pump-action yogurt rifle
Pump handle
Pumping pole of penile power
Pup Tent
Puppet Jack
Purple avenger
Purple bulb
Purple-headed bed snake
Purple-headed belly ripper
Purple-headed burrow beast
Purple-headed cum shooter
Purple-headed custard chucker
Purple-headed love truncheon
Purple-headed meat scepter
Purple-headed pirate
Purple-headed punisher
Purple-headed warrior
Purple-headed womb broom
Purple-headed womb ferret
Purple-headed yogurt slinger
Purple-helmeted snot Nazi
Purple-helmeted soldier of love
Purple-helmeted Nazi of love
Purple-helmeted warrior
Purple Katana
Purple muffin
Purple mushroom
Purple piledriver
Purple pork chop
Purple pulsating pillar of power
Purple turkey baster
Pussy duster, The
Pussy piston
Pussy plumber
Pussy plunger
Pussy poker
Pussy pounder
Pussy stretcher
Pussy Sub
Pud
Putz
Quarter master
Quarter Pounder
Quarter pounder with cheese
Quick shot Sam
Quim-tickler
Quivering member
Rainbow roll
Ralph the fur faced chicken
Ramburglar, The
Ramrod
Ranger
Real deal, The
Reaming Tower of Penis
Red ender
Red helmeted love warrior
Red hot poker
Red rocket
Rhubarb
Richard and the twins
Richard Cranium
Richard Head
Rick Hard
Ring stinger
Rising cedar
Rocket to Uranus
Rod
Rod hard ride
Rod of lordly might
Rodney Stickshift
Rodzilla
Roger
Rogering Ramjet
Rolling pin
Roll Mop
Roman soldier
Root
Root of all evil
Rosey red reproductive rod
Roto-rooter
Round steak
Ruby-headed love dart
Ruddy sausage
Rump wrangler
Rumpleforeskin
Rubber Ducky
Russell the love muscle
Russell the one eyed (wonder) muscle
Russian spurtnik
Sacred sceptor
Salami
Salami grande
Salty dog
Saucer-headed swamp rhing
Sausage roll
Scabby mayonnaise revolver
Scarecrow
Scepter
Schlock
Schlong
Schlongmaster 2000
Schnickel
Schnitzel
Schvance/schvantz
Schvontz/schwantz
Schwartz
Scooby snack
Schlort
Schmeckle
Schmuck
Seed shooter
SeƱor Happy
Sergeant Stiffy
Serpent
Serpentine
Sex pistol
Shaft
Shaft of Cupid
Sheep shank
Sheep shifter
Shift stick
Shiny banana
Sir Lance-A-Lot
Shithook
Shitstick
Short arm
Shrimp boat
Shunter's pole
Slide Whistle
Silk shocker
Silly Willy's stick of mayhem
Single-bore mayonnaise pistol
Single serving soup dispenser
Sir Martin Wagstaff
Sir Spanks A Lot
Six shooter
Ski-Lift
Skin Trophy
Skin boat
Skin bus
Skin diver
Skin flute
Skin Pencil
Skin Pole
Skin Stack
Skin Serpent
Skivvies lizard
Skippy
Ski Pole
Sleeping Beauty
Slick Dilly
Slim Jim
Slim reaper, The
Slippery love dolphin
Slit-eyed demon
Slong
Sludge pump
Slut stick
Snappy beefstick
Snot Nazi
Snot rocket
Snot sausage
Snuffeluphagus
Soldier
Solicitor General, The
Solid snake
Soul pole
Soupcan
Sour cream rifle, The
Snake
Snapper slapper
Snozwanger
Spackle hammer
Spam dagger
Spam javelin
Spanky
Spelunker
Spelunking sausage
Sperm burper
Sperm spitter
Sperm Stinger
Spermin' Herman
Sperminator
Sperm Hydrant
Sperm Needle
Spigot
Spikebit
Spitting python
Spitting snake
Split-ass mechanic
Split-headed bishop
Splooge moose
Spongey-headed warrior
Spoo shooter
Sprout
Spunk blaster
Spunk spitter
Spunk stick
Spunk trunk
Spunker
Spurt Reynolds
Squinty blowpop, The
Squirmin' Herman the one-eyed German
Staff
Staff of life
Stainmaker
Stallion
Standing hampton
Stanley
Stanley the powertool
Steam Pipe
Stick 'o' salami
Stick
Stick shift
Sticky shooter
Stiff one-eye
Stiff sausage
Stiffy
Stink hammer
Stomach wrench
Strawberry snake, The
Stretch Bus
Stretch Johnson
Stretchy and the twins
Strumpet thumper
Stubby
Sugar stick
Superschlong of love
Super soaker
Suspect, The
Spear
Sweet meat
Swelling mushroom
Swingin' death
Swingin' Dick Nixon
Swingin' sirloin
Swizzle stick
Swollen blood bomber
Sword of passion
Taco warmer
Tadger
Tallywhacker
Tankslapper
Tapioca sprinkler, The
Tassle
Teeter
Tennessee throatwarmer
Tent peg
Tent pole
Texas trout banger
Thadge navigator
Thingamabob
Thing(y)
Thing-Along
Third arm of justice
Third leg
Thomas
Thor's hammer
Three inch punisher, The
Three's company
Thrill drill
Throat choker
Throat spackler
Throbbing blood sword
Throbbing horsecock
Throbbing Love Muscle
Throbbing purple pneumatic drill of love
Throbbing purple spear of destiny
Throbbing python of love
Thumper
Thunderstick
Tickle pickle
Tickle tail
Tickle Toby
Tickle Wiggle
Tiddlywinker
Tingler
Tinkie Winkie
Tiny Elvis
Tiny Tim
Titmouse
Tobias the cheeky monkey
Tockley
Todger
Torpedo
Tom Jones
Tom Slick
Tommy Tallywacker
Tonka
Tonsil tickler
Tonsil toothbrush
Tool
Tool of the Patriarchy
Torch of Cupid
Totem pole
Tower of power
Towering Antennae
Toys for twats
Trailor Hitch
Tree of life
Tree Stump
Trembling torpedo
Trombone
Troublemaker
Trouser flute
Trouser hawg
Trouser mouse
Trouser snake
Trouser tortoise
Trouser trombone
Trouser trout
Trout baster
Trout tickler
Tuba
Tube steak
Tubthumper
Tummy banana
Tummy buster
Tuna baster
Tuna fisher, The
Tunnel tickler
Turd burglar
Turgid member
Turkey neck
Turtle
Twat expander
Twat tickler
Twat torquer
Twat torpedo
Twat washer
Tweeder
Twelve inch train of pain
Twig
Twig 'n' berries
Twig n' giggle berries
Twinkie
Twizzler of Love, The
Two-legged sword
Two pebbles and a twig
Two pounds of swinging meat
Ugly brother
Ugly stick
Uncle Chunk
Uncle Dick
Uncle Reamus
Uncle Richard
Uncle Spunk
Uncle Throbby
Uncle Wiggly
Unemployed, The
Unit
Upright citizen
Upright organ
Upright uncle
Uterus unicorn
Vagina miner
Vaginal depth detector
Vaginal dilator
Vaginal explorer
Vein-laden meat pipe
Vein-laden meat stick
Veinous Maximus
Veiny bangstick
Verga
Vertical dangler
Verve pipe
Viagra baby
Vicious dink
Virile member
Vlad the Impaler
Vomit rod
Vomiting dummy
Wacker
Waldo
Walloper
Wally
Wally the one-eyed wonder wiener
Wally Whomp Wacker
Wagger Dagger
Wand of light
Wang
Wanker
Wanker spanker
War hammer, The
Water spout
Wazoo
Weapon of mass destruction
Wedding finger
Wedding tackle
Wedding wrecker, The
Wedge bone
Ween
Weenie
Wee wee
Wee Willy Winky
Wee wonder stick
Wenis
Whamadoodle
Whammy bar
Whanger
Whisker slitter
Whistle
Whistle stick
White Snake
Wick
Wing Ding
Who who
Whopper
Whore hammer
Whore monger
Whore pipe
Whore thermometer
Wick
Wicked scepter
Widget
Wiener
Wife and kids, The
Wife's best friend
Wife's worst enemy
Wigga wagga
Wiggedy wang
Wiggity wang
Wiggle stick
Wiggling worm
Wilbert
Wilbur
Willard
Willy
Willy the one-eyed wonder worm
Willy Wonka
Wing-wang
Winkster, The
Winky
Winky the milk spitting tunnel ferret
Wizard's staff
Wobbly warhead
Womb broom
Womb hammer
Womb raider
Womb scud
Womb warrior
Wonder down under, The
Wonder weiner
Wonder wick
Wonder worm
Wong
Wonga
Wood
Woodrow
Woodle
Woody
Wookie
Worm in a roll-neck pullover
Wormy McJuicemaker
Wriggling pole
Wrinklebeast
Xcaliber
XTC Stick
Yam
Yang
Yard O' Beef
Yin(g) yang
Yogurt hose
Yogurt shooter
Yogurt slinger
Yul
Yum-yum
Yummy hummer
Yung the Hung
Zamboner
Zamboni baloney
Zapper wrench
Zipper ripper, The
Zipper trout
Zipper wookie
Zizi
Zoobbrick
Zorker

Arthur
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"National Treasure 2" Looks Even Dumber Than The First One

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

I love Nicolas Cage, but for fuck sake.
The first one was a hideous nightmare to watch, and this one looks even worse.
Why on God's green earth would anyone want to make a sequel to this giant piece of shit?

"National Treasure 2" Trailer :


Arthur
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Me Hype? That's Unpossible!

Friday, August 03, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

One of my favorite readers sent me this email from the bowels of their nc waterfront property :

Arthur,
Great coverage on "Cloverfield" but aren't you just a little bit worried that you're buying into the Hollywood hype machine?

Joe K.


I don't mind buying into any kind of hype machine.
I'm like every news channel out there except I'm far more cynical, and hate filled.

Arthur
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Every Time A Bridge Collapses An Idiot Stops To Pray

Dear Constant Reader,

There's nothing more hilarious than watching people praying to, and thanking their made up God that they survived this awesome bridge collapse in Minnesota.
I'd love to watch these same people getting their asses kicked by the family members of those who went for the big drink, and didn't make it out alive.
Your fictional Jesus action figure didn't save you from drowning, but now I kinda wish you had drowned.
There's nothing like a bridge collapse to expose the Christian asshats for the nieve ninnies they are.

Watch A Bridge Make A Shitload Of People It's Bitch :


Arthur
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The Crack Spiders Bitch

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

Best video ever ...

"The Crack Spiders Bitch" :


Arthur
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I'm Turning Into The Other Men In My Family

Dear Constant Reader,

I've started drinking again, and I don't particularly care.
It had to happen eventually since I come from a family that loves their bottle.
I purchased a half filled Double Gulp, and filled the other half with whiskey.
I plan on getting completely shit-faced this morning, and pretending that I'm not turning into the other guys in my family.
I'll probably top of the day by picking up some whore, and having meaningless sex with them.
It worked for my old man.

Arthur
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Gawker.com "Cloverfield" Article

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Dear Constant Reader,

Read it ...

Orchard Street Destroyed!

orchard

Last night on the Lower East Side, nearing the intersection of Stanton and Orchard, the smell of burning brakes hung in the air. On Orchard, in front of the shuttered Slipper Room, two cars lay crushed under tons of rubble. A husk of another vehicle flamed nearby. Immediately the recent events of 7/18 came to mind. I started to run.

A woman in black blocked my way. Her headset clung to her hair like a baby chimp on its mother's back.

"You can't go in here," she said.

"But, but," I panted, "I'm escaping the not-terrorist attacks!"

"It's a set, you idiot," she replied, her voice taking on a maternal scorn.

"Oh," I answered, relieved.

"I don't know, I think the movie is called 'Cheese.'"

So we figure it's just JJ Abrams, destroying New York for his new movie. Also the Lower East Side smells like 9/11 now! Great, thanks for that.

Arthur
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Yet Another New Possible Title For 1-18-08

Dear Constant Reader,

I actually LIKE the title "Overnight".
Fuck you too.


Another Possible Title?


July 30th, 2007 by admin

I have a feeling this week is going to be a slow week for “Cloverfield News” aside from possibly a new picture on the website on friday. But malemuyon over at the unfiction forums did a little sleuthing over the weekend and came across a few interesting things regarding trademarks for a possible title (although I doubt it). Check it out.

“I recently stumbled upon trademark #77232885, “Overnight.” It was registered to Group One Productions, LLC, and Jackoway Tyerman Wertheimer on July 18, 2007, and described as “motion picture, television and music production and distribution services.”

The Attorney of Record for the trademark is Lori N. Boatright. She is also the Attorney of Record for “SLUSHO!,” “SLUSHO! YOU CAN’T DRINK JUST SIX,” and “BAD ROBOT”, trademarks 77229623, 77229614, and 76340985, respectively.

I googled for “GROUP ONE PRODUCTIONS, LLC,” yielding nothing. The LLC, however, is registered in the State of Delaware, formed on 11-08-2006, with its registered agent being ERESIDENTAGENT, INC (search). It’s just a resident agent service. Considering there’s no real information on the company, I think it’s just a hollow LLC, perhaps formed to conceal the real parties involved. They only own one trademark, “overnight.”
I then googled for “Jackoway Tyerman Wertheimer.” Jim Jackoway is an attorney, known to represent J.J. Abrams and happens to be the registrant for BadRobot.com. (whois search)

What are the odds that a lawyer (Jackoway) who represents Abrams would register a trademark using the attorney of record who registered Slusho (Boatright)? Further googling shows no previous connection between Boatright and Jackoway.

Is “Overnight” really the title of the film?

As the trailer so eloquently stated, “this is going to be the best night ever…”


Head on over to the unfiction forums, they have tons of information and good conversations regarding the movie.

Arthur's Note :
Don't head over to unfiction.
They're a bunch of fucking idiots.

Arthur
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Six "Cloverfield" aka "Slusho" On Set Videos

Dear Constant Reader,

Here's 6 awesome set videos from the set of favorite obsession :

Video #1 :


Video #2 :


Video #3 :


Video #4 :


Video #5 :


Video #6 :


Arthur
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A PILE Of "Cloverfield" aka "Slusho" Set Photos

Dear Constant Reader,

Here's all the photos in one great, and sloppy pile :



















































There are a ton more over here : Dave's "1-18-08" Photos"

Arthur
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