Five New Rules For Parents

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Dear Constant Reader,

I went to the doctor yesterday and had an epiphany. People need to stop having kids now or else.
There was this woman in the waiting room who (on top of being pregnant) had a 5 year old who wouldn't stop screaming and whining at the very top of their lungs. And I had to listen to it for an hour and a half.
I had to go grocery shopping after this and the situation didn't get any better. It seems that everyone in town had decided to take their bastard offspring shopping at once.
Fear not though because I have compiled a list of new rules for parents. Failure to follow these rules will result in parents being shunned from society and possibly moved to a deserted island to live in cages.

Five New Rules For Parents :

1. Stop taking your kids anywhere. Leave them at home with the TV or some parenting equivalent.

2. Just because a child fell out of your below regions doesn't mean you get special rights.

3. If you choose to break the first rule then put away your cellular phone and parent.

4. Don't be afraid to backhand your children. They are making you and the rest of society their bitch and what does a pimp do with a ho when they get mouthy? It's slap-a-ho time. You can learn a lot from pimps.

5. Look into getting them a leash. Nothing says I love you like tethering your child to a chair leg to teach them who's in charge.

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