10 things that should be illegal ...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Dear Constant Reader,

Don't you just love when I get "listy" with it?
Today's list is things that should be made illegal and why.

  • Having more than one child. Keep in mind that your right to breed does not supersede our right to not be irritated. Disobeying this law will result in your uterus being kicked inside out by a farm animal of some variety.

  • Christianity. Failure to renounce your belief in Jesus-y things will result in you being fed to bears.

  • Anyone under 30 being allowed online. Failure to do this will result in parents being dragged into the center of town and stoned to death.

  • Women pretending not to be all about the penis. The failure of a woman to enjoy being plowed like the back forty will result in her being shunned by the community and possibly burned at the stake as a witch.

  • Talk shows. Failure to assist in the removal of talk shows from television will result in you not being allowed outside among the normals. You will be forced to stay blindfolded inside your home with possibly rabid weasels of some variety.

  • Romance novels. If you are caught reading a romance novel you will immediately be dragged into the center of town and sodomized by a large, oil-covered man with at least three types of sexually transmitted diseases.

  • Attending a movie dressed as one of the characters. If caught doing this you will immediately have the words "permanent virgin" tattooed across your forehead and you will not even be allowed to pay for sex.

  • Participating and/or attending interpretive dance concerts. If you are found anywhere near a place that holds this type of event you will be dressed in a pair of tights, covered in BBQ sauce and fed to wolves that have been starved for several weeks in large cages. The public will be charged a $5.00 admission fee to watch and there will be free hot dogs and balloons for the kids.

  • Self-help books. Whether you were buggered by a priest and/or an uncle as a child is irrelevant. Being caught with one of these books will result in you being buggered by a priest and/or uncle with a copy of the book itself.

  • Naming your child: "Bunifa", "LaQuisha", or "LaShawn". Violating this rule will result in you (and possibly your child) being burned alive inside the current crackhouse and/or any dive you call a home.

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Izzy said...

I've heard of LaShawn and it's not that bad but LaQuisha and Bunifa? Have you actually heard of people with those names? Because they sound like euphemisms for farts.

wewerethecoolkids said...

I've heard of all three names being given to kids.
It's sad and scary.