We Were The Cool Kids: "Cloverfield" Marketing Rant From Some Cunt

Dear Constant Reader,

This cunt ( ‘Cloverfield’ fans are Paramount’s slave-labor marketing bitches ) is whinily whining about the way "Cloverfield" is being marketed, and I have a few words for her royal cuntiness.

What she says:

Cloverfield is back. Remember the trailer for an unnamed movie everyone was so excited about a few months back, the one before Transformers about a mysterious monster attacking New York and knocking the head off the Statue of Liberty? There’s a second trailer now: it debuted before Beowulf over the Thanksgiving weekend and immediately afterward started showing up on YouTube in an impossible-to-watch cell-phone-cam version.

My response:
"Cloverfield" is back? Did it actually ever leave? Are you so hip that hot trends flit about you, vanish and return based on your interest, or lack thereof?

What she says:

I watched it anyway, and found myself getting a little cheesed off. Not about the movie itself, but about how Paramount is marketing this. I can’t go into a press screening without having my bag rifled and my body wanded in search of cameras and other recording devices -- when I upgraded my cell phone recently, I made a point of getting one without a camera in it so I wouldn’t have to check it with the minimum-wage “security” guards who regularly harass we critics and our guests at screenings. It’s not like those pristine DVDs and downloads of new movies are coming from critics sneaking their cameraphones into press screenings, but we get subjected to this anyway.

My response:
"Minimum wage security guards"? Are you a snob much? Here's a thought: You're not that important, and you can leave your cell phone at home to go to a screening. Do you really think you're so popular that you must have your phone with you at all times you self-centered sow?

What she says:

But Cloverfield makes it clear, I think, that Paramount wanted geeks to camcord that new trailer, wanted it to end up on YouTube. Perhaps no one in Paramount’s marketing department realized that the first teaser trailer would be such a viral hit on the Web this summer, but they had to know the second one would be. This is the first movie for which “piracy” is a planned part of the marketing.

My response:
Yes, because the folks at movie studios are just wild about piracy. Do you actually think before you type you bile filled witch? Are you not aware that Paramount was sending out cease and desist orders to people who were posting images and videos? They didn't come after me, but I know a lot of people that they did crack down on.
You need to stop trying to come off as super cool, and do some fucking homework before you attempt to sound like you know what you're talking about.

What she says:

You can now watch that new trailer (as well as the teaser) in crisp, clear, “official” versions at Apple.com, and it’s even more obvious that it was not primarily intended to be seen in theaters but in a format you can freeze and rewind and rewatch. Lots of intriguing stuff slips by a mere frames. And, of course, you don’t have to bother with analyzing it yourself: All the Cloverfield nerds have done it for you. At CloverfieldNews.com, there’s an ongoing discussion about what each and every shadowy image and garbled sound might be. The sprawling Cloverfield fan community has even ferreted out a connection between the movie and Heroes.

My response:
I'm assuming you didn't get any dick in high school, and so you're now taking it out on your readers?
Oh, and it's kind of hard to ferret things out that someone of even your limited intellect could see in plain sight.

What she says:

Some folks, like my fellow Film.com contributor Eric D. Snider, are tired of all the coyness on the part of Cloverfield producer JJ Abrams and all the literal gameplaying required to figure out what the damn movie is about. I figure the gameplaying isn’t meant for us grownups but for kids with tons of time on their hands. Who else could be able to post something like this: “For the last few weeks, we have been devoting all of our time to the myspace accounts of the characters.” Seriously? All your time? To a movie that hasn’t even opened yet, and might turn out to suck. (That site, Cloverfield Project, hasn’t been updated since August, so perhaps someone got a life.)

I wonder if all these folks realize that they’ve become unpaid marketing managers for a multibillion-dollar corporation.

My response:
What's to figure out? It's a movie about a giant monster that attacks New York City. There I've figured it out. It was pretty obvious from the first trailer, but you and Eric D. Snider must have been too busy sipping latte's and dry humping in your overpriced apartment to notice.
No, I have no clue that I've become an unpaid marketing manager for Paramount because I'm not. I'm a fan who's intrigued by something that could be wonderful.
I'd suggest that you go back to writing your idiotic screenplay, scribbling in your inane blog and leave certain subjects to people who know more than you do. That really won't leave you much to talk about, but nobody's really interested in what you have to say anyhow.

Arthur