Oh But Some People Should Just Be So Lucky

Dear Constant Reader,

Our landlord has decided to invest some hard earned (yeah right!) money in Condo Hotels.
I've not got the heart to tell him he's an idiot, and I can't wait till the bottom falls out of everything.
Does that make me a bad person? Absolutely, and I freaking love it.
I would love nothing more than to see that evil bastard living under a bridge, and eating rat.
It's very good to have a dream.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Women

Dear Constant Reader,

There's been plenty of market research to prove that women are the most vile creatures on the planet. Why do we love them then?
I'm assuming that it has something to do with the fact that they (most of them) can cook, and that most of them will allow us guys to climb on top of them at night.
Why do they have to be so insane?
I've yet to have a woman in my life that wasn't a frightening person, and I'm beginning to think that the only way to get around this is to start dating men. It's either going to be that or getting my wiener lopped off, and becoming a nun.
Stop asking for attention ladies because you're not going to get me to coddle your insane neediness.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Throwing Out The Old

Dear Constant Reader,

I cleaned our porch out of various office furniture, and I'm beginning to wonder why the hell I had so much office furniture in the first place.
There was a veritable pile of things that I don't even remember purchasing, and yet it was sitting there staring at me with it's sad little furniture eyes.
I never want to do this again, but I think that's going to mean that I stop being the bastard packrat that I am.
"My name is Arthur, and I'm a junk collector junkie".
Now I feel better having gotten that off my abundant chest.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Mother In The Hospital

Dear Constant Reader,

My mother has been in the hospital a week, and I'm beginning to think that I can't deal with me family without the aid of various Disaster Kits.
My siblings are treating their mother like a chore rather than the woman who raised them for 18 years, and I'm getting sick and tired of dealing with these brats. All of them are older than me, and they are acting like they are far younger than I.
I honestly hope that my mother gets out of the hospital soon, and that my siblings drive off the nearest available cliff.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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The Barfing Shed

Dear Constant Reader,

Someone broke into our caretakers shed, but didn't take anything!
Why?
Because there isn't a whole lot to take except for kids bedding, shovels, furniture, and other crap that I can't even identify.
If people are going to have sheds that are so easy to get into then why can't they at least put something in their worth snapping the lock?
Our yard was covered in crap that completely blew my mind, and made me understand what truly bad taste my caretaker has in ... everything.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Extreme Makeover: Home Edition's Whiney Gimme Gimme Families

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm really tired of these whining, pathetic families who are tossed free houses like fat kids are tossed candy at Halloween.
Here's some of the reasons these families have been given homes, and why I think those reasons are bullshit. :

Reason #1 :

"My husband died in the war"
Oh really? Well thousands of others have died in the war, and do they get houses too? Nope. Shove it tubby housewife, and find a motor home.

Reason #2 :

"Our son is a vegetable"
Then shove him in a special home for vegetables, and thank your stars that not all your kids are vegetables with parents like you.

Reason #3 :

"Our house has cooties"
Learn to use a broom? Stop watching Oprah, get up off your ass, and clean the house.

Reason #4 :

"I adopted 478 kids"
Did someone at the adoption agency not see that you didn't have enough room in your current home for a shitload of kids?
Ever thought of just drowning a couple of the brats in a tub, and then blaming one of the others?

Reason #5 :

"Our house burned down"
So did my sisters, and it killed all of their pets. Did they get a free house? No.

You families need to grow up, and stop pretending like your problems are somehow worse than the problems of the rest of us.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Extreme Makeover] [Reality TV] [TV] [Ty Pennington]
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Suck It Rob Zombie

Dear Constant Reader,

Well I finally saw the trailer for Rob Zombie's bastardization of John Carpenter's "Halloween", and you can suck it Mister Zombie.
I really love that you've taken a classic masterpiece, and turned into just another bloody jump-scare fest.
Mister Zombie is a talented musician, but his film making talent leaves too much to be desired.
I won't be seeing this remake (or rather rape and murder) of one the best horror films ever made.
I REALLY hope this movie gets a proper boycott from horror fans who know better than to buy into bullshit.

Trailer For The New (and unnecessary) "Halloween" :


Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Rob Zombie] [Halloween] [Movies] [Movie Trailers]
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Another Reader Email

Dear Constant Reader,

I just love when my readers won't leave a comment, but will send me an email instead. That takes real participation skills!
Here's a letter I got from a woman writing from the bowels of her nc waterfront property :

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Art,
I really appreciate seeing someone say such sweet things about the greatest place on earth.
North Carolina doesn't get enough attention, and good on a Canadian for giving us a little love!!!!

With Care,
Barbara
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I definitely need to give Barbara props for her use of amazing alliteration. It's great to see a reader say something so sweet. See? I can do it too.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [North Carolina] [Email] [Readers] [Blogging]
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What The Heck Is Tenuate?

Dear Constant Reader,

Anything that Oprah Winfrey shoves down her throat has to be good for the rest of us right?
Celebrities are apparently swallowing Tenuate like a five dollar crack-ho swallows a load, and if you're not then you can't be just as dysfunctional as them.
It's an appetite suppressant for those times when us fatties can't put the fork down, and you too can be just like Bette Midler now.
So I guess this means we've all become so lazy that we can't try things like eating well, and exercise?
Yay for us oinkers!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Go] [On] [A] [Diet]
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Hairy Like Ape

Dear Constant Reader,

Does wanting to get a Hair Transplant make me a vain person?
I've noticed that I've started losing even more hair, and it's beginning to drive me even battier.
I do suspect that I'm not the only one who would dislike the nickname "Baldy", and so I've decided to do something about it.
I've decided to let myself go bald!
To hell with cheating nature, and worrying about what other people think.
I wear a baseball cap all the time, and I take it off for nothing.
The only time this cap comes off is in the shower, and when I'm asleep. Which explains why I'm going bald in the first place.
Sigh.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Sex] [In] [A] [Baseball Cap]
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A Conversation With My Mother

Dear Constant Reader,

I asked my mother why she would dare name me Arthur, and she asked me I had any better suggestions. I sure as hell do.
I've decided that I'm going to name my firstborn one of the following :

o Polyester
o Gorilla
o Moonrug
o peptide
o Marzipan
o Lamborghini
o Chesterfield McTableLeg

Trust me when I say (and by all means let me hear from other Arthur's) that there is absolutely nothing worse than naming your child "Arthur".
Nothing.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Never] [Name] [Children] [Arthur]
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I've Got Wood

Dear Constant Reader,

You probably don't want to know this, but I've got more wood than the Pigeon Forge vacation rentals.
Our caretaker has it piled in the yard, and I'm not sure whether he's planning on building something or just letting rats nest.
It's going to be terribly fun watching him do whatever he's going to do, and I do plan on taking pictures for this blog.
What's more fun than laughing at a blundering drunk? Nothing!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Homes] [Wood] [Building] [Lumber]
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My New Laptop

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm now going to be buried in even more freakin' network cables when my brand new laptop computer arrives tomorrow.
I'm finally going to be wireless, but my desk is going to look like a bloody pit of snakes.
I have a dream that the entire world will soon be wireless, and that we'll no longer be tied to anything.
It's this dream that keeps me from tying all the cords in my home together, and hanging myself from the nearest donut shop. I figure that would be the quickest way for the authorities to find my corpse right?
I can't wait for the laptop to arrive!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Laptop] [Computers] [Cables] [Networking]
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Orlandolians Are STILL Angry

Dear Constant Reader,

It would seem that the illiterate folks who worship their Orlando vacation rental homes still can't get over the fact that I made some comments about them.
More insane mail from another angry Orlandian :

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Aurthur
I found your shirtty blog and you can go fuck yuorslef! There's not reason for you toe be jealous of people who can afford shit athat you can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're just a GIANT LOSERRRRR!!!!!!
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I'm going to let you make your judgments about this ... person, and save my breath for something more important.
Can you believe they signed the email with their phone number? What were they expecting me to do?

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Mickey Mouse] [Makes] [People] [Insane]
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My Skin

Dear Constant Reader,

I've been noticing that my skin is dryer than usual, and this is despite the fact that I tend skin the way some tend lawns. With diligence.
Nothing seems to be helping though, and I've beginning to think that it's time for me to run to the nearest dermatologist. I know that the guy has a nasty little habit, but I'm sure I can ignore that if it means that I won't look like Bea Arthur on a crack binge.
I just need to convince myself that the fact that the dermatologist has a penchant for hookers means nothing when it comes to getting my face back.
You didn't hear the hooker thing from me though.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Skin Care] [Hookers] [Skin] [Local]
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I'm Feeling Violent Today

Dear Constant Readers,

Some people would choose to just shove one ballpoint pen into someone's face, but I would love to shove a handful of ballpoint pens into someone's face.
Would that make me a lunatic? It probably would, and so I've decided to spend the day away from the crazies in this town.
There's only so much nut that one can take, and I've had my fill of nuts today. Wow ... did that sound naughty?

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Insane] [People] [Are] [Dangerous]
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Put Me In Coach ... I'm Ready To ... Watch

Dear Constant Reader,

I went to pick up baseball tickets today, and I was more than a little horrified at the prices.
Baseball is the only sport that I can tolerate, and I shouldn't have to drive myself to the poorhouse to enjoy a game.
As if standing in line isn't bad enough, but having to empty my wallet? Where the hell is all my money going?
At least I have my tickets, and I am very prepared to cheer on the Goldeyes to their latest set of victories.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Baseball] [Sports] [Sports Fans] [Games]
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Clickity Click

Dear Constant Reader,

I was doing some more browsing online, and came across Studio RTA Furniture while doing so.
They seem to have everything that I'm looking for, but I've grown more leery of shopping online over the last couple of months.
Shopping online beats have to go from place to place, but I'm not really in the mood to not get the items that I order.
I would be more than interested in reading some of your online shopping stores, and so please leave them in the comments section of this blog.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Furniture] [Online] [Shopping] [Scams]
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Ever Get The Urge?

Dear Constant Reader,

Have you ever had the urge to beat someone senseless because they give you a tumor when they're in your presence?
My caretaker came to pick up his Callaway golf clubs, and I had to resist the urge to cram them individually up his butt.
Why does he store his golf clubs here? He stores everything else here!
He's been told not to do this, but he doesn't seem to care.
The best I can hope for is that he gets himself in trouble for using our yard as a dumping ground.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Golfers] [Are] [Giant] [Idiots]
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HoldEm or FoldEm?

If you're looking for a cool way to jazz up your next home poker game, you need to check out the awesome Poker Table selection at cardroomsupply.com
These are the guys that I get my poker supplies from because they are the best quality you're going to find anywhere. And the price is excellent!
Add a little snap to your poker game today with an amazing looking table that will last forever and won't break the bank.
Not only is shopping from their site easy, convenient, and quick but it's the only place you'll ever want to shop for your poker supplies from now on.
People would ask the following : Why not just use an ordinary folding table? The only answer to that is : Then why even bother playing poker?
Give you, and your buddies a real evening of poker with a table that can absolutely bring a poker game to life. These table truly are the only table that you should ever have to play on again.
I am continuously amazed at the looks that are given to my poker table, and the guys are surprised when they find out what a great deal that I got. These tables are beautifully crafted and guaranteed to get the "oooh's" and "ahh's" from your friends.

This is a paid review.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Poker] [HoldEm] [Poker Supplies] [Gambling]
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My Feet & I

Dear Constant Reader,

Are your feet your best buddy? They probably should be since they are the only things that allow you to move through the day.
The folks over at Active Sandals also care a whole lot about your tender tootsies, and they want to make sure that you get them into the most comfortable footwear possible.
Active Sandals ships Reef sandals direct nationwide. In addition to the largest selection of Reef styles, they also feature: Rainbow, Chaco, Keen, Medium, Cobian, Crocs, and more!
They really do have the best selection, and the best prices for whatever pair of foot fun that you might be looking for.
Why risk tucking your toes into a lesser product?
There's only one place that I would go for sandals, but why would you take my word for it? Do yourself a favor, and check out their site today.
I promise that you won't be disappointed by what they have to offer, and I promise that your feet will thank you.
Great selection, and great prices for your comfort? Who could ask for anything else?
Not only can you get great sandals for yourself, but you can quickly shop for your friends, and family as well!

This is paid review.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Sandals] [Footwear] [Shoes] [Shopping]
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