Chicks With Ticks

Dear Constant Reader,

I am so craving a giant glass of lukewarm progesterone more than you will ever know.
I'm pretty sure that I'm turning into a woman ever since I found out I had a yeast infection, and I figure I should probably just go all the way.
It's time for me to lop off the nutsack, grow boobs and get moody at the drop of a hat.
You women are probably going to hate me for that, but you know perfectly well that a chick can become a nightmare over the stupidest little thing. That's why I wanna be one.
I figure I'll then be able to get cranky with people, and they won't even bat an eyelash.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Broads] [Women] [Dames] [Chicks] [Skirts]
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Bad Behavior

Dear Constant Reader,

What kind of things are people doing out there that they require high risk life insurance?
I'm wondering why someone would want to do something that's so dangerous that it lends itself to the possibility that you'll be killed by doing it.
If you're doing something that's so dangerous then you probably need to stop whatever it is, and considering the fine art of knitting. Or cross-stitch?
There's no shame in not going bare naked rock climbing or wrassling bears to get your jollies off.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life Insurance] [Danger] [Safety] [Insurance] [Health]
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Men And Machines

Dear Constant Reader,

My brother-in-law loves cars, and if he could marry the nearest available Chrysler 300 accessory he probably would.
Me?
I'm a guy who doesn't understand why men are supposed to be obsessed with things that make noise, and go fast.
I care about art, literature, film and music.
When I ask guys why the heck guys are supposed to love cars their answer is usually: Because it's a guy thing.
That doesn't come anywhere near answering the question.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Cars] [Men] [Auto] [Chrysler] [Car Parts]
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Movie That You Need To See

Dear Constant Reader,

Are you completely into zombies eating brains at a warehouse where they sell some upsetting medical supplies?
I hadn't seen "Return Of The Living Dead" in a long time, and I totally forget how much of a scary, funny movie this is.
Something is very wrong if you're a horror fan, and haven't seen this movie.
Stop renting those romantic comedies, and ask your video store if they have a copy of this campy horror classic today.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Movies] [Horror] [Horror Movies] [DVD] [Netflix]
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Clothing Snobs

Dear Constant Reader,

Am I bad person because I'd rather buy wholesale clothing than the more expensive shit from those fancy stores?
I was at a wholesale clothing store today, and some very snottish woman, and her friend commented about the fact that I looked like someone who should be shopping there. The thing is? The did it within my hearing distance!
What the Hell is wrong with these people?
Do we still live in a society where it matters where we shop, and where people who can't afford certain things are looked down on? Doesn't anybody out there find that painfully sad?

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Clothing] [Shopping] [Snobs] [Wholesale] [Clothes]
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Golfers

Dear Constant Reader,

Golfers are assholes.
I would love nothing more than to wrap a set of golf clubs around the neck of one of these motherfuckers, but I'm a calm person and I won't.
There was a man at the grocery store today who was absolutely late for a golf came, and thought that this meant that he could push past me in line.
Excuse me?
I don't think so golf club boy.
Some people.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Golfers] [Golfing] [Golf Clubs] [Sports] [Shopping]
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My Caretaker Part #3575

Dear Constant Reader,

I love to complain about my caretaker, and his many idiotic ideas.
He had his biggest idiotic idea last week :
He wants to put in Christmas landscape lighting.
I kid you not.
This is what happens when someone drinks, and doesn't bother taking the time to sober up.
I told him that I didn't think this was going to be a very good idea, but I'm pretty sure that he's going to do it anyways.
He's nuts if he expects me to help with this insanity.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Christmas] [Landscapes] [Lighting] [Outdoors] [Idiots]
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Um ... How About No?

Dear Constant Readers,

I hate kids, and I would rather be eaten by squirrels than be around them.
My friend has asked me to babysit for her, and she even brought over one of those RC airplanes that you build yourself so that I'd have something to do with her snot-nose.
I told her that I wasn't feeling well today, and referred her to another friend of ours who absolutely adores the shit balls that children are.
She got upset, but I'm not really in the mood to care about that today.
I have tons of better things that I could be doing instead of making sure that something that fell out of my friend doesn't eat a bottle of paste.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Airplanes] [Models] [Children] [Babysitting] [Kids]
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I Would Probably

Dear Constant Reader,

I would probably chew off my own limbs for a Florida vacation, but here I sit.
It's a cold, dark and damp day in Selkirk and I'm beginning to wonder if it's ever going to let up.
I'm going to spend the day working on my website, and pretending that my life is far more interesting than it really is.
I'll probably finish off the day by crawling into bed, with a book, and wondering how my life ended up crashing into the toilet.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Florida] [Vacation] [Winter] [Depression] [Life]
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YAY!

Dear Constant Reader,

I finally got to play bunk beds (without the bunk beds) with my Mom's nurse, and it was super fun.
I'm a total chauvinest though, and probably won't even bother to call her back today. I hope she's not mad, but I'm tired of playing the "I'll call you, you call me, let's play some head games" kind of deal.
Is there something the matter with me simply wanting to get laid, and not have to deal with all the bullshit? I don't think so.
I'll probably end up calling her anyways because of my embedded Catholic guilt.
Damn you God.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Jesus] [Sex] [God] [Sex] [Dirty]
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Drug Store Drama Mama

Dear Constant Reader,

Going to the drug store is turning into a task that I can't even cope with anymore.
I had the following conversation with my mom's druggist yesterday :

Me : I'm here to pay my Mom's bill.
Her : But you wrote us a check.
Me : I want to pay cash please.

Pharamcist begins to change shape, and the scent of sulpher fills the air.

Her : Cash!? ... Cash?! ... We don't allow cash in my kingdom!

I've never casted Level 4 Fireball, and ran so quickly in my life.
I don't have time for this woman's emotional luggage, and I decided to let her have her own way.
Oh, and one of our crackhouses got shot up the other day. I'm guessing the gunman had to deal with that same woman.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Drugs] [Pharmacy] [Luggage] [Crackhouse] [Bitch]
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