Interview With A Scientologist

Dear Constant Reader,

I love being given the opportunity to do something good for the world.
I recently received a hate filled missive from a supposed member of the Church Of Scientology, and couldn't resist the chance to share both their email and an interview I did with another member of this religion.

First, the email:

To Whom It May Concern,

I have been a proud Scientologist for 15 years, and I highly doubt you have any comprehension of the good that it has done in my life.
I had to email you because of your use of the term "Squirreling The Tech Since 1975" on this blog. You really should be ashamed of this pathetic attempt to make our proud church look like idiots.

Sincerely,
Jane N, NYC.

My response:
Jane, you ignorant slut.

And now the interview with Patrick L. from London:

WWTCK:
Thank you for joining us, Patrick.

Patrick:
You're very welcome.

WWTCK:
You may have noticed the slogan of this blog is "Squirreling The Tech Since 1975", and I was wondering if there's anything that you find offensive about that?

Patrick:
No.

WWTCK:
Good to hear.

Patrick:
Have you ever been audited?

WWTCK:
Like, by the IRS?

Patrick:
No. I'm talking about a cleansing of your crimes, meeting your sinful history and dealing with it.

WWTCK:
Oh, I know all about my sinful history. My old man climbed on top of my old lady, fucked her for about three minutes and tada. I heard the birth was so violent that my Mom screamed like a wounded porpoise throughout the entire thing. Actually, my old man was hung like a German work-horse, so I imagine she made a lot of noise during the three minutes of screwin' too.

Patrick:
Are you usually this negative?

WWTCK:
L. Ron Hubbard, your Jesus, has said about sex:

"When sex enters the scene, a being fixates and loses power," and "Lovers are very seldom happy."

Is that why Katie Holmes looks ready to put a rifle in her mouth?

Patrick:
What are your crimes?

WWTCK:
Answer the question.

Patrick:
You didn't ask a question. The only thing you did was hide your crimes.

WWTCK:
One of my favorite documentaries about Scientology was "The Invasion" in which Nicole Kidman details her attempts to walk out of a Scientology potluck supper.

Patrick:
Truth itself must be approached on a gradient.

WWTCK:
Pardon?

Patrick:
I'd like to help you deal with your crimes.

WWTCK:
You mean like that time, when I was five, that I tried sticking my pecker up the neighbors' dog? Now he was "seldom happy" lemme tell ya.

Patrick:
So, you've participated in the act of beastiality?

WWTCK:
Who hasn't?

Patrick:
Shame is making you a victim.

WWTCK:
Yeah, but I should be ashamed. I tried fucking a dog for Chrissake.

Patrick:
How often do you practice masturbation?

WWTCK:
What?

Patrick:
Masturbation.

WWTCK:
Are you trying to lure me into a homosexual act?

Patrick:
Have you ever committed a homosexual act?

WWTCK:
Does buying the "Mama Mia!" soundtrack count? Is it true you hook up your members to a toaster to see if they're aliens?

Patrick:
It's called an E-Meter, and it's a highly sophisticated tool.

WWTCK:
L. Ron Hubbard was a sophisticated tool. The E-Meter looks like something you'd use to pleasure the wife. Have you ever been tempted to shove an E-Meter prong into your anus?

Patrick:
What have you done?

WWTCK:
I recently obtained a copy of the free personality test that your church offers to those interested in joining your poolside Kool-Aid party, and I was wondering-

Patrick:
(interrupting)
Would you like to take the test?

WWTCK:
Well, I was kind of hoping that you'd explain some of these questions.

Patrick:
Are you afraid to learn about yourself?

WWTCK:
If answering some of your questions would get you to answer some of mine, sure.

Patrick:
Can I attach you to a meter?

WWTCK:
Can I shove this stapler up your ass?

Patrick:
We don't need the meter.

WWTCK:
Alrighty then, shoot.

Patrick:
Mind if I write down your answers?

WWTCK:
Go ahead.

Patrick:
Alright. Question #1: Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which later you regret?

WWTCK:
Do you recall when I asked if you wanted a stapler shoved up your ass?

Patrick:
That's a yes.

WWTCK:
Yes, you remember?

Patrick:
I remember. Question #2: When others are getting rallied, do you remain fairly composed?

WWTCK:
Is that a fancy way of sayin' "ass-raped"?

Patrick:
I'll put down "No". Question #3: Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

WWTCK:
Are you asking if I jerk off to the phone book?

Patrick:
Another "No".

WWTCK:
Wow, I'm learning a ton!

Patrick:
Good. Question #4: When asked to make a decision, would you be swayed by your like or dislike of the personality involved?

WWTCK:
Like, would I fuck a chick who's a real bitch?

Patrick:
I guess.

WWTCK:
Oh hell ya. Bitches are buck-wild in bed.

Patrick:
Question #5: Do you intend two or less children in your family even though your health and income will permit more?

WWTCK:
You mean pushing a woman down the stairs if she tells you she's pregnant is wrong?

Patrick:
Um. Question #6: Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it?

WWTCK:
My nephew has Epilepsy, and used to get these wicked seizures. One time I had to sit on his ass to keep him from yakkin' on his tongue.

Patrick:
Okay. Question #7: Would you prefer to be in a position where you did not have the responsibilities of making decisions?

WWTCK:
Like whether or not I choose to murder a hooker after she's overflowin' with my sex goop?

Patrick:
Sex goop?

WWTCK:
Cum.

Patrick:
Where?

WWTCK:
"Where" what?

Patrick:
I'll put that as a "No". Question #8: Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people?

WWTCK:
Killing a hooker is pretty unpredictable don't you think?

Patrick:
Okay, um. Question #9: Do you consider more money should be spent on social security?

WWTCK:
What's wrong with seniors having to chow down on dog food?

Patrick:
Oh. Um. Question #10: Do other people interest you very much?

WWTCK:
If you're asking if I'd suck your dick, the answer is "Yes".

Patrick:
You would?

WWTCK:
What?

Patrick:
Nothing. Um. Question #11: Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?

WWTCK:
Then you are asking if I'd suck your dick.

Patrick:
Um. No. Question #12: # Do you normally let the other person start the conversation?

WWTCK:
Can I ask you something first?

Patrick:
Sure.

WWTCK:
Would you consider letting me suck your dick?

Patrick:
(whispered)
Do you promise to not tell the church?

WWTCK:
Um. Maybe.

Patrick:
Look, I'm not saying I wouldn't entertain the idea of you sucking my dick.

WWTCK:
No, hey it's cool. I'll give it some thought.

Patrick:
That would be awesome.

WWTCK:
Cool. Next question?

Patrick:
(nervously)
Look, I'd really like you to ...

WWTCK:
You want me to suck your dick?

Patrick:
Could you also possibly play with my asshole a bit?

WWTCK:
Sure.

- 3 Minutes Later ... -

Patrick:
Question #13: Are you readily interested in other people's conversations?

WWTCK:
I'm sorry about your asshole. I forgot to take off my watch.

Patrick:
It's fine. I'm sure the bleeding will stop.

WWTCK:
You're sure?

Patrick:
I think so.

WWTCK:
Alright cool. So, yeah I really am interested in other people's conversations. Totally.

Patrick:
Alright. Um. Question #14: Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing?

WWTCK:
This is about your asshole, isn't it?

Patrick:
No, not at all.

WWTCK:
You're really sure?

Patrick:
Of course. If I can take Tom Cr- ... nevermind. Question #15: Are you often impulsive in your behavior?

WWTCK:
See, now things are getting weird between us.

Patrick:
You feel that too, huh?

WWTCK:
Kind of. Look, I've never been that rough before. I feel terrible. If I promise to stop making fun of your church, can we forget that this ever happened?

Patrick:
Um, Yeah, yeah I think that's-

WWTCK:
Probably best.

Patrick:
Yeah. But it was great meeting you.

WWTCK:
Wonderful meeting you as well. Thank you.


Arthur
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