More "Cloverfield" News

Dear Constant Reader,

In case you haven't seen the most recent updates on just what the JJ Abrams is up to :

o The puzzle over at http://www.ethanhaaswasright.com/ may be interesting, but it appears to not be connected to the movie. This is according to JJ Abrams himself.
So then how the Hell did everyone make the connection? Or is Mr. Abrams a big Hollywood douchebag?

o SLUSHO is actually what the movie is being filmed under currently. As far as things look it's not the official move title though. There's even a web site (http://www.slusho.jp) connected to the film. The word Slusho is a direct reference to an episode from ALIAS. Since 7-11 wouldn't let them use the name Slurpy they call the drink a Slusho.

o There's a good chance that we could be dealing with a sea monster?!? What the fuck?! A sea monster that walks on land and shoots fireballs? Alright then.

o This is NOT a Godzilla movie. Toho/Sony own the rights. Well that's kinda good right? Who the fuck wants another shitty Godzilla piece of shitty shittyness?

o The following sites are OFFICIAL sites (or so it seems) :
www.01-18-08.com
www.1-18-2008.com
www.slusho.com

Okay so now it seems we're dealing with a sea monster?
I find it hard to believe that JJ Abrams would be producing an Oprah Winfrey bio-pic, but you never know?
Or do you?
I know lots of things.
Watching these theories roll around fucking rocks.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [JJ Abrams] [1-18-08] [Cluthu] [Cloverfield]
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Blogathon 2007!

Dear Constant Reader,

This year I'll be blogging to raise money for Doctors Without Borders.
If you would like to see me stay awake for 24 hours (and help a good cause at the same time) then please click on this link : Sponsor "We Were The Cool Kids"
I stayed up for 19 and a half hours last year, and I hope to stay up even longer this year.
Doctors Without Borders does some amazing work that helps make sure people who need medical care get it.
So sponsor me today, and let's do some good in the world!

When will the Blogathon be held?
Blogathon will take place Saturday, July 28th at 6am PST. For those with other commitments (such as religious observances, etc.) that cannot be rescheduled, there will be a B-Schedule which will begin at 9pm PST on Saturday, July 28th and continue until 9pm the following night.

So sponsor me now by visiting here :
Sponsor "We Were The Cool Kids"

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Blogathon] [Charity] [Bloggers] [Healthcare]
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Yeah What Is JJ Abrams Up To?

Dear Constant Reader,

Everyone at IMDB.com thinks they know what this film is going to be about, but they are wrong
They have no clue what they are in for.
Finally I've found a trailer on YouTube that doesn't require you to squint and/or become seasick :

Trailer For "Cloverfield" aka "1.18.08"


So what is this?
Some suggestions I've heard are :
o Ghostbusters
o Cthulhu
o Transformers 2 (have people been drinking?)
o Voltron
o Godzilla

These are all wrong of course, but then what does that leave us with?
Something entirely original perhaps?
KQE14 perhaps?
Is it possible for someone to create something that we've never seen before?
I don't know what this is, but I'm enjoying all the (some just fucking plain stupid) theories.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [JJ Abrams] [1-18-08] [Cluthu] [Cloverfield]
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What's The Sick Fascination With Titties?

Dear Constant Reader,

I saw this on IMDB.com, and wasn't all that shocked :
Board: The Devil and Daniel Webster (2004)

Does Love get her tits out in this?
by sheabennett 6 days ago (Wed Jul 4 2007 19:31:41)

And if not, why not? Leave it another couple of years, JLH, and they'll have to CGI them.

Re: Does Love get her tits out in this?
by gers-2 30 minutes ago (Wed Jul 11 2007 00:02:10)

Agreed.
Jenuinely Lovely Hooters should really do a Sharon Stone "Basic Instinct" in the chest department some time soon.
Give us all just one shot at her magnificence, rack up the box office $$$ because of it and give her career the breakout hit she always deserved (in my book, anyways.).
I like her performances recently a lot more than her early work, but she's just not the star everyone thought she would be.
\m/

How many women out there actually enjoy having themselves talked about like this?
If I asked a woman "hey you gonna take your tits out?" what do you think would happen to me?
I'm assuming that these two are mentally ill in some way, but I'm also sure that any real woman wouldn't put up with being talked about like something just to look at.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Tits] [Sex] [Jennifer Love Hewitt] [Movies]
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Loud & Tacky

Dear Constant Reader,

Boy that Michael Bay really knows how to make what could have been a cool idea look horrid.
Here's a clip from "The Transformers" that shows why Michael Bay should be strung up by his nutsac for thinking he's a director :

"Whateverthefuck Vs. Another Loud Metallic Waste Of Money" :


"Michael Bay Being A Prick On The "Bad Boys 2" Set" :


Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Michael Bay] [Transformers] [Movies] [Shia LaBeouf]
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An Interview With Michael Bay

Dear Constant Reader,

This week two of my readers had the chance to sit down with "Transformers" director Michael Bay.
Enjoy!

"20 Questions With Michael Bay"
by Andrew Sparks & Dennis Kurtz

Q: Thank you for joining us Mister Bay!

A: Thank you for having me.

Q: In "The Transformers" Shia LaBeouf is always wearing pants ... why?

A: What?

Q: Did you ever get the chance to see Shia LaBeouf without pants?

A: I don't think-

Q: Could he at least have worn some tight shorts?

A: Can we move on?

Q: Of course. Steven Spielberg co-produced "The Transformers" despite the fact that you're personally responsible for killing several dozen Jews for food and clothing ... how do you respond to that?

A: I think I should go.

Q: "Armageddon" ... "The Rock" ... "Pearl Harbor" ... and "The Island" ... all films that we've both been given blowjobs while watching but we still fell asleep during ... is that something that you hear alot?

A: Do you think that's really appropriate?

Q: Do you think Ben Affleck has horse teeth?

A: I'm leaving.

Q: We still have more questions ... please stay?

A: Ask me a serious question.

Q: Okay. You're producing a sequel to "Friday The 13th" ... is it really a sequel or a re-imagining of the original?

A: Well it's really more of a prequel than anything else.

Q: We understand that John Moore ("Omen" director) is attached?

A: That's correct yes.

Q: Is it true that large men smell like the inside of a horse that's been left in the desert too long?

A: I don't appreciate this.

Q: Sorry. Moore appears to have gained weight ... is it true that he ate the young actor that played Damien in "The Omen"?

A: These questions are stupid and cruel.

Q: Cruel like smothering a small child with a pillow or cruel like having to sit through "Bad Boys 2"?

A: I've had enough of this.

Wow!
You both did a great job with that interview
Thank you both for allowing me to reprint it on my blog.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Michael Bay] [Transformers] [Movies] [Shia LaBeouf]
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Come Again Rumsfeld?

Dear Constant Reader,

Oh holy crap.
Did Donald Rumsfeld actually say what I thought he said?
You bet your ass he did.



Do you still believe this wasn't an inside job?

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Donald Rumsfeld] [Pres. Bush] [Gov.] [Conspiracy]
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Don't Wet Yourself

Dear Constant Reader,

I don't mean to get the American's into a snit, but you may want to get your incontinence supplies ready for what I'm about to tell you.
I think Michael Moore should be President.
I can imagine that there would be a lot of people who would loathe this idea, but you're an idiot and I don't like you.
Michael Moore's new film seems to indicate that he's in touch with people, and willing to take steps to make sure that the people who need help get it.
Now if we could only get President Bush to leave, and just hand over the office to Moore.
To hell with an election, and to hell with the people who want to pick on Michael Moore simply because he tells things like they are.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Michael Moore] [Sicko] [President] [Bush]
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I Think That I've Figured It Out

Dear Constant Reader,

I think I've figured out the best way to get the President to admit that he's ready to retire.
Ready?
Let's get a CIA operative to sneak into his bedroom, jerk him off into a cup, and spill that cup of love batter on the nearest piece of White House staff clothing.
A simple DNA test, and voila!
I realize that this plan may be full of problems, but it seems that the only way to get rid of a President is to have evidence of his semen somewhere on the premises.
I'm confident that we'd be able to find someone willing to jerk the man off, and think of what good it will do.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Bush] [CIA] [Impeach Bush] [Gay]
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I Feel Pretty So Pretty So Pretty

Dear Constant Reader,

Normally you'd think that only Elton John would require the use of Makeup Mirrors among men, but why is that so?
Why can't a man look after himself without folks think that he's playing for the other team?
I get so tired of people assuming that because I look after myself that there must be something wrong with me. It's seems to me that something is wrong with them.
There's nothing wrong with caring about your face.
Now I'm going out on a date to a bathhouse, with my boyfriend Juan.
Juan knows how to treat a lady!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Makeup] [Beauty] [Men] [Women]
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I'm Not Condoning Anything But ...

Dear Constant Reader,

Here's your opportunity to see Michael Moore's new film "Sicko".
I feel fine sharing this link because it's not me that's breaking any copyright laws.
Download "Sicko" here : Pop!: Download Sicko
I haven't seen the film yet, but I know that it's going to be up to Moore's usual standards.

Update :
The last fifteen minutes of this film will have you in tears.
And to JimK who spends his time bashing Michael Moore :
You didn't get what you deserved from Mr. Moore
What Michael should have done is sued your selfish, and ignorant ass into the dirt.
It's a shame that your wife didn't drop dead before you got the check from Michael Moore.
I guess there is no justice in the world.
What's really sad?
He kept your cow alive, and you still insist on bashing him.
The man that you call "a 300 lb. jerkoff in a baseball hat followed by a fucking film crew" saved the woman that you happen to be fucking.
You must feel really good about yourself right?

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Michael Moore] [Sicko] [Movie Dwnlds] [Healthcare]
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SCC upholds federal rules on tobacco advertising

Dear Constant Reader,

And yet the booze companies are allowed to do whatever the hell they please ...

The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled against a challenge of the Tobacco Act by Canada's three major cigarette companies, rejecting their push for more advertising leeway.

In February, Imperial Tobacco, JTI Macdonald, and Rothmans, Benson & Hedges challenged the Tobacco Act -- brought in by Jean Chrétien's Liberal government in 1997 -- saying the legislation was so vague that it could be interpreted as a total advertising ban.

In theory, the current law does allow for advertising in adult-oriented magazines, in adult establishments like bars and by direct mail.

However, tobacco companies have refrained from advertising during the last decade of court battles.

The companies argued that the law violated their right to free speech in their commercial advertising.

In a 9-0 judgment, the court ruled Thursday that the detailed regulations could be justified under the Charter of Rights.

Chief Justice Beverly McLachlin, writing for the unanimous court, said the conclusion was that the law's key provisions "are constitutional in their entirety."

CTV's Rosemary Thompson said the SCC made the decision because of the overwhelming health evidence against smoking.

"The Supreme Court said... there are many provisions under this law that do infringe the Charter but that they're justified," Thompson said from the SCC Thursday.

"The Supreme Court cited the statistics -- that 45,000 Canadians die every year from smoking-related illnesses."

The tobacco companies were up against Ottawa, six intervening provinces -- Ontario, Quebec, Manitoba, New Brunswick, Saskatchewan and B.C. -- and the Canadian Cancer Society.

"The tobacco industry has spent a decade and millions of dollars of legal fees to try and overturn these laws... because this law is going to have an impact on their sales," Rob Cunningham, a lawyer for the Canadian Cancer Society, told Canada AM Thursday before the ruling.

Cunningham said since the law has been enforced over the last decade smoking rates have declined from 30 per cent to 18 per cent.

"Many people will be very surprised that this law does not ban advertising, there's only partial restrictions, even though many other Western democratic countries have total bans on advertising," he said.

Advertising restrictions

The legal debate over tobacco advertising has been going on for nearly 20 years, since Brian Mulroney's Conservative government imposed a ban in 1988 on nearly all forms of advertising by the industry.

That legislation, known as the Tobacco Product Control Act, was overturned by the Supreme Court in 1995 in a close 5-4 judgment.

The ruling found that the government had failed to justify a total ad ban based on public health grounds and had consequently violated the constitutional right of the tobacco industry to free speech.

However, the ruling left room for a more limited set of rules that helped curb advertising directed at young people or the so-called 'lifestyle ads' depicting smokers in various settings.

In 1997, the Tobacco Act was created to meet the Supreme Court guidelines but was quickly challenged by the big three.

Regulation in 2003 also closed a sponsorship loophole that companies had used to have their name displayed at events like the Montreal Grand Prix.

Those rules were upheld by a Quebec trial judge but were further complicated when the case reached a Quebec appeal court in 2005.

There, a three-judge appeal panel upheld key parts of the law which included the bans on lifestyle ads, messages aimed at young people and the government-mandated health warnings on cigarette packages.

However, the panel struck down other portions including a ban on dissemination of 'scientific' research paid for by tobacco firms and another that prohibited ads that left a 'false or erroneous impression' about smoking's health effects.

The court also ruled that Ottawa was right to ban the display of cigarette brand names at sponsored events, but not the use of the corporate names of the parent companies.

With files from The Canadian Press

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Canada] [Smoking] [Canadian Laws] [Smokers]
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Look At Me I'm Aleister Crowley & I'm A Spooky Motherfucker

Dear Constant Reader,

I've been watching a fascinating documentary on the (in)famous Aleister Crowley, and there was nothing mystical about this guy.
He reminds me of one of these sixteen year old Goth twats that get themselves into the paranormal, and then get completely fucked over by the consequences.
Here's part 1 of the documentary :

Aleister Crowley - The Other Loch Ness Monster - part 1 :


You can find the rest over here : http://www.youtube.com/user/deadgoose1

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Aleister Crowley] [Paranormal] [Parapsych.] [Goth]
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For My Sister The Giant C**T

Dear Constant Reader,

I know that chicks hate the word "cunt", but you're just going to have to deal with it.
My oldest sister has reached a whole new level of being a cunt, and I have nothing else to say to her ... except ... for perhaps .... this :

Simple Plan - Grow Up

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Very Angry Motherfucker On YouTube

Dear Constant Reader,

I know that getting into a fight online is like obtaining a medal in the special Olympics, but I have a special hate on for one particular prick.
Did I also mention he has a band?
You can check out their non-talent here : Two Man Circle Jerk

He calls himself gerKremerC, and he has some anger issues that I'm not sure he can even deal with.
Here's the first message that he sent me on YouTube :
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From: gerKremerC [videos (3) | favorites (36) | friends (1)]
Sent: June 21, 2007
Subject: Clueless?
Message:
You referred to me as "clueless" after a comment I made on a Diane Sawyer video. May I ask why? It makes no sense. Are you a fucking retard or just a wiseass cock? Just thought I'd ask.....
-
I can't believe that this person even learned how to use a computer!
His second message :
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From: gerKremerC [videos (3) | favorites (36) | friends (1)]
Sent: June 22, 2007
Subject: Re: Re: Clueless?
Message:
Sorry to hear that you caught the AIDS. Maybe you should think before you fuck 3 guys at once without protection - what do you think, Arthur? (nice name, fucking geek)
-
Ah yes the "your parents gave you a goofy name" insult.
Do you think he was any more original on his next message? Nope :
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From: gerKremerC [videos (3) | favorites (36) | friends (1)]
Sent: June 22, 2007
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Clueless?
Message:
But it is your fault that you're a cum guzzling bitch.....

Nice grammar, too, fucking idiot.

All I ask is that you please use protection when you fuck your mother. I don't want her getting AIDS and then giving it to me when I bang her. She is a whore, after all.....
-
Okay so let's see : I have bad grammar, I fuck my mother, and I have AIDS?
No wonder I can't blog as often as I'd like.
He then sent me this :
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From: gerKremerC [videos (3) | favorites (36) | friends (1)]
Sent: June 22, 2007
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Clueless?
Message:
Anyone who reads your blog needs to get a fucking life, not to mention a grammar tutor, you illiterate douche.

Listen, don't mess with me. I will harass you until you fucking cry, worse than you do when those big dicks penetrate your ass, ARTHUR!
-
Let's hope this idiot never manages to get his hands on a weapon.
You shouldn't be calling people illiterate when you can't express yourself without the "F-bomb" every second word.
Some people will never learn.
Want to see a video of this ape-thing?

YouTube Idiot Tries To Come Off As Funny :


Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [YouTube] [In The Closet] [Idiot] [Creepy]
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My New Rules For This Blog

Dear Constant Reader,

I've decided to ho-out less, and go back to what this blog was in the first place.
You're going to see fewer ads, and more actual content on this blog.
There will still be the occasional paid post, but it's going to be obvious which ones those are.
I'm taking back my blog bitches!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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I'm Actually Considering

Dear Constant Reader,

I am actually considering the purchase of disposable underwear, because our caretaker (don't you love when I whine about this dude?) has decided to remove our washing machine again.
He removed it once because he had to put in a new floor, and is removing it again because it has a leak.
The question I have is : What are some of the pro's and con's of using disposable underwear?
Are they only for those with a medical condition perhaps?
I really don't see anything wrong with a product like this, but I would love to hear from my readers.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Yet Another Complaint About My Caretaker

Dear Constant Reader,

My caretaker recently purchased a whole new set of truck accessories that cost him nearly $4,000.
This is a guy who complains that he can't afford to fix a leaky faucet, and yet has no problem blowing money on crap that nobody needs for any other reason than to show off.
This guy isn't fit to own a home, and he also recently purchased another home.
What in the Hell is wrong with the world when someone like this is able to get away with the most outrageous behavior that one could ever imagine?
I really hope that we find a new place to live very soon.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Okay So I Don't

Dear Constant Reader,

I realize that I don't live in a luxury home, but does that mean that I'm not to be afford the same respect as others?
All (and I do mean all) of the problems that this house has can be directly attributed to the neglect of our caretaker, and so why the Hell would people complain to me?
Everybody knows the caretaker, and can easily complain to him.
I can't fix the problems, and so stop bothering me with your problems.
Some days I don't know what to do with people.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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And So It Must Be

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm going to be going away for a "mental health vacation", and so I won't be posting again until Tuesday or so.
I've been looking after an aging parent, and it's affected my health to the point where I need to start looking after myself.
I don't want to go but I need to go, and so the decision has been made.
Please pray to whatever God or Goddess that you believe in that I will find the peace that I need to carry on.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Okay Clearly I'm Becoming Retarded

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm beginning to worry about myself.
I cannot believe that I actually watched this video, and that I actually enjoyed it :


Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [YouTube] [Nintendo] [Super Mario Brothers] [Games]
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So I Finally Ho'd Out ...

Dear Constant Reader,

I finally got myself a MySpace.
How come I feel like I'm at an AA meeting, and saying "My name is Arthur, and I'm an alcoholic"?
Well anyways ...
Check out my MySpace, and add me as a friend if the mood moves you.
Here's the link: Arthur's MySpace

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [MySpace] [Social Networks] [Selling Out] [MSN]
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More Evidence That CIBC Is Crooked

Dear Constant Reader,

Canadian Imperial Bank Of Commerce is at their sneaky ways again :

from CBC News :
Bank teller takes on CIBC in class-action lawsuit over alleged unpaid overtime
Published: Tuesday, June 5, 2007 | 6:34 PM ET
Canadian Press: TOBI COHEN

TORONTO (CP) - In what's being called a potentially precedent-setting case in Canada, a bank teller has taken on one of the country's biggest financial institutions with a class-action lawsuit that alleges CIBC fails to pay overtime to its customer service staff.

Dara Fresco said Tuesday that she's owed some $50,000 for the two-and-a-half to 15 hours a week of additional work she says she's been required to perform as a teller and personal banker since 1998.

"I've been working for the bank for almost 10 years and I figured enough is enough already. I wanted to get paid for the overtime," Fresco said at a news conference Tuesday, just hours after the lawsuit was filed in Ontario Superior Court.

The $600-million class-action suit is expected to cover an estimated 10,000 current and former non-management, non-unionized CIBC employees across Canada, many of whom are women.

"What is unfair is that my colleagues and I are rarely being paid for the overtime that we are working, and that's just not right," Fresco alleged.

"I decided to seek out legal advice to see, mainly, if this was allowed and to find out what my options were ... because it isn't fair to work and not be paid for your time."

Lawyer Douglas Elliott said such lawsuits are more common in the United States and suggests this one is the "largest unpaid overtime class action in Canadian legal history."

Studies show many employers routinely violate federal labour laws by not paying their staff at least time-and-a-half for working more than eight hours a day or 40 hours a week, Elliot said.

"If successful, it will set an important precedent for those working in other areas where it is a problem."

In a statement issued shortly after the lawsuit was filed, CIBC said it has a "clearly defined" overtime policy that "exceeds legislative requirements."

"CIBC employees are the cornerstone of our strength as a company," the statement reads. "We have comprehensive compensation, benefit and employment programs to ensure we attract, retain and reward our employees and create an environment where they can excel."

The bank said it would review the claim "in detail" before commenting further.

Fresco, who continues to work as head teller at a Toronto CIBC branch, said she expects the road ahead to be rocky but that she felt it was important to come forward.

"This is going to be a very long process and I want to ensure my fellow colleagues and everyone else involved that I'm in it for the long haul," she said, adding she's a good employee and is hopeful there won't be any backlash.

"I have every intention of seeing this through to the end."

The statement of claim alleges CIBC non-management employees are assigned heavy workloads that cannot be completed within standard working hours, and that, at least in Fresco's case, she was told not to claim any of it as overtime.

"The claim alleges this practice is widespread, systemic and that it violates both the class member's individual contracts with the employer as well as federal labour law," Louis Sokolov, a labour lawyer involved in the case, said.

"To date there has been little effort made by the government to enforce this law for the benefit of people like Ms. Fresco."

None of the allegations have been proven in court.

The CIBC has 30 days to file a statement of defence, but could choose to wait until the class-action suit has been certified - which Elliott said could take as a long as a year.

Elliott said there's a team of lawyers across the country working on the case and is urging current and former front line CIBC staff who feel they've been shortchanged to come forward.

© The Canadian Press, 2007

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [CIBC Lawsuit] [CIBC] [Canada] [CBC]
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I Would Love Nothing More ...

Dear Constant Reader,

I would love nothing more to invite several women over tonight, get completely drunk, and have the kind of sex that involves swinging from the chandeliers.
But I'm just too exhausted.
My mother has been in the hospital nearly 5 weeks now, and I've been trying to play the good son.
Trying to be good is driving me nuts, and I keep asking myself "when do I get to be bad"? When do I get to do things that would humiliate my Catholic family members?
I'm thinking that maybe this weekend I need to get out, get drunk, get laid, and forget about life for awhile.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Sex] [Laundry] [Fucking] [God]
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Tacky Tacky Tacky

Dear Constant Reader,

My free sample business cards finally arrived, and I can really see why they're free.
These are supposed to represent what I do for a living, and all they do is make it look like I have absolutely nightmarish taste.
Does the company that sent me the samples honestly expect me to humiliate myself by giving clients these little rectangle slices of multi-color vomit?
Not going to happen!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Business Cards] [Tacky] [Business] [Samples]
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Oh Jeeze

Dear Constant Reader,

One of my favorite online stores just instituted a new electronic check processing system, and it's driving me fucking nuts.
Why would a store want to make purchasing things more difficult?
The item was a health care item for my mother, and she needs it fast. She's got no time to wait for these people to get their fingers out of their butts, and clear my friggen payment.
I'm so getting ready to switch to another store.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Shopping] [Internet] [Online Shopping] [Stores]
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So Yeah Well

Dear Constant Reader,

I recently got approved for no exam life insurance, and now I'm wondering when I'll die.
Should I wait till I'm 40?
I already told my family that I'm probably putting a rifle in my mouth when I hit 65, and they're quite content with that.
But the thing I hope is that I'll be able to make sure that the people that I actually care about are taken care of when I do decide to shuffle off the mortal coil.
There aren't a lot of people that I care about, but the ones that I do care about deserve to be treating good because they've been so good to me.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Insurance] [Life] [Death] [Family]
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Piloting The Pussy?

Dear Constant Reader,

I um ... um ... just watch :


Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Pussy] [Sex] [TV] [Weird]
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Was It The Dryer Or Me?

Dear Constant Reader,

Rest assured that you'll get fucked when you try to take me to Jesus.
I recently participated in laundry room sex with a very good Christian women who has been trying to get me to do the Jesus thing. I did the Jesus thing alright!
We were doing laundry, and I decided to kiss her. Fortune favors the bold right?
She returned the kiss, and our pants came off faster than I think that they've ever come off in my life.
It was fun, but there was a problem: Her orgasm. There's no way to put this delicately so here goes ...
She wrapped herself around my "down there" area, and let loose a sound that I've never heard in my 20 years of knocking boots. It was frightening!
I asked her if she was okay, and her response was "Yeah that was great".
Either I'm really good at getting her off or she's insane. I think I'll go with choice "A".
Yipes!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Sex] [Laundry] [Fucking] [God]
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Oh But Some People Should Just Be So Lucky

Dear Constant Reader,

Our landlord has decided to invest some hard earned (yeah right!) money in Condo Hotels.
I've not got the heart to tell him he's an idiot, and I can't wait till the bottom falls out of everything.
Does that make me a bad person? Absolutely, and I freaking love it.
I would love nothing more than to see that evil bastard living under a bridge, and eating rat.
It's very good to have a dream.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Women

Dear Constant Reader,

There's been plenty of market research to prove that women are the most vile creatures on the planet. Why do we love them then?
I'm assuming that it has something to do with the fact that they (most of them) can cook, and that most of them will allow us guys to climb on top of them at night.
Why do they have to be so insane?
I've yet to have a woman in my life that wasn't a frightening person, and I'm beginning to think that the only way to get around this is to start dating men. It's either going to be that or getting my wiener lopped off, and becoming a nun.
Stop asking for attention ladies because you're not going to get me to coddle your insane neediness.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Throwing Out The Old

Dear Constant Reader,

I cleaned our porch out of various office furniture, and I'm beginning to wonder why the hell I had so much office furniture in the first place.
There was a veritable pile of things that I don't even remember purchasing, and yet it was sitting there staring at me with it's sad little furniture eyes.
I never want to do this again, but I think that's going to mean that I stop being the bastard packrat that I am.
"My name is Arthur, and I'm a junk collector junkie".
Now I feel better having gotten that off my abundant chest.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Mother In The Hospital

Dear Constant Reader,

My mother has been in the hospital a week, and I'm beginning to think that I can't deal with me family without the aid of various Disaster Kits.
My siblings are treating their mother like a chore rather than the woman who raised them for 18 years, and I'm getting sick and tired of dealing with these brats. All of them are older than me, and they are acting like they are far younger than I.
I honestly hope that my mother gets out of the hospital soon, and that my siblings drive off the nearest available cliff.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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The Barfing Shed

Dear Constant Reader,

Someone broke into our caretakers shed, but didn't take anything!
Why?
Because there isn't a whole lot to take except for kids bedding, shovels, furniture, and other crap that I can't even identify.
If people are going to have sheds that are so easy to get into then why can't they at least put something in their worth snapping the lock?
Our yard was covered in crap that completely blew my mind, and made me understand what truly bad taste my caretaker has in ... everything.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Life] [Of] [A] [Blogger]
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Extreme Makeover: Home Edition's Whiney Gimme Gimme Families

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm really tired of these whining, pathetic families who are tossed free houses like fat kids are tossed candy at Halloween.
Here's some of the reasons these families have been given homes, and why I think those reasons are bullshit. :

Reason #1 :

"My husband died in the war"
Oh really? Well thousands of others have died in the war, and do they get houses too? Nope. Shove it tubby housewife, and find a motor home.

Reason #2 :

"Our son is a vegetable"
Then shove him in a special home for vegetables, and thank your stars that not all your kids are vegetables with parents like you.

Reason #3 :

"Our house has cooties"
Learn to use a broom? Stop watching Oprah, get up off your ass, and clean the house.

Reason #4 :

"I adopted 478 kids"
Did someone at the adoption agency not see that you didn't have enough room in your current home for a shitload of kids?
Ever thought of just drowning a couple of the brats in a tub, and then blaming one of the others?

Reason #5 :

"Our house burned down"
So did my sisters, and it killed all of their pets. Did they get a free house? No.

You families need to grow up, and stop pretending like your problems are somehow worse than the problems of the rest of us.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Extreme Makeover] [Reality TV] [TV] [Ty Pennington]
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Suck It Rob Zombie

Dear Constant Reader,

Well I finally saw the trailer for Rob Zombie's bastardization of John Carpenter's "Halloween", and you can suck it Mister Zombie.
I really love that you've taken a classic masterpiece, and turned into just another bloody jump-scare fest.
Mister Zombie is a talented musician, but his film making talent leaves too much to be desired.
I won't be seeing this remake (or rather rape and murder) of one the best horror films ever made.
I REALLY hope this movie gets a proper boycott from horror fans who know better than to buy into bullshit.

Trailer For The New (and unnecessary) "Halloween" :


Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Rob Zombie] [Halloween] [Movies] [Movie Trailers]
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Another Reader Email

Dear Constant Reader,

I just love when my readers won't leave a comment, but will send me an email instead. That takes real participation skills!
Here's a letter I got from a woman writing from the bowels of her nc waterfront property :

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Art,
I really appreciate seeing someone say such sweet things about the greatest place on earth.
North Carolina doesn't get enough attention, and good on a Canadian for giving us a little love!!!!

With Care,
Barbara
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I definitely need to give Barbara props for her use of amazing alliteration. It's great to see a reader say something so sweet. See? I can do it too.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [North Carolina] [Email] [Readers] [Blogging]
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What The Heck Is Tenuate?

Dear Constant Reader,

Anything that Oprah Winfrey shoves down her throat has to be good for the rest of us right?
Celebrities are apparently swallowing Tenuate like a five dollar crack-ho swallows a load, and if you're not then you can't be just as dysfunctional as them.
It's an appetite suppressant for those times when us fatties can't put the fork down, and you too can be just like Bette Midler now.
So I guess this means we've all become so lazy that we can't try things like eating well, and exercise?
Yay for us oinkers!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Go] [On] [A] [Diet]
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Hairy Like Ape

Dear Constant Reader,

Does wanting to get a Hair Transplant make me a vain person?
I've noticed that I've started losing even more hair, and it's beginning to drive me even battier.
I do suspect that I'm not the only one who would dislike the nickname "Baldy", and so I've decided to do something about it.
I've decided to let myself go bald!
To hell with cheating nature, and worrying about what other people think.
I wear a baseball cap all the time, and I take it off for nothing.
The only time this cap comes off is in the shower, and when I'm asleep. Which explains why I'm going bald in the first place.
Sigh.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Sex] [In] [A] [Baseball Cap]
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A Conversation With My Mother

Dear Constant Reader,

I asked my mother why she would dare name me Arthur, and she asked me I had any better suggestions. I sure as hell do.
I've decided that I'm going to name my firstborn one of the following :

o Polyester
o Gorilla
o Moonrug
o peptide
o Marzipan
o Lamborghini
o Chesterfield McTableLeg

Trust me when I say (and by all means let me hear from other Arthur's) that there is absolutely nothing worse than naming your child "Arthur".
Nothing.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Never] [Name] [Children] [Arthur]
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I've Got Wood

Dear Constant Reader,

You probably don't want to know this, but I've got more wood than the Pigeon Forge vacation rentals.
Our caretaker has it piled in the yard, and I'm not sure whether he's planning on building something or just letting rats nest.
It's going to be terribly fun watching him do whatever he's going to do, and I do plan on taking pictures for this blog.
What's more fun than laughing at a blundering drunk? Nothing!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Homes] [Wood] [Building] [Lumber]
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My New Laptop

Dear Constant Reader,

I'm now going to be buried in even more freakin' network cables when my brand new laptop computer arrives tomorrow.
I'm finally going to be wireless, but my desk is going to look like a bloody pit of snakes.
I have a dream that the entire world will soon be wireless, and that we'll no longer be tied to anything.
It's this dream that keeps me from tying all the cords in my home together, and hanging myself from the nearest donut shop. I figure that would be the quickest way for the authorities to find my corpse right?
I can't wait for the laptop to arrive!

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Laptop] [Computers] [Cables] [Networking]
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Orlandolians Are STILL Angry

Dear Constant Reader,

It would seem that the illiterate folks who worship their Orlando vacation rental homes still can't get over the fact that I made some comments about them.
More insane mail from another angry Orlandian :

-
Aurthur
I found your shirtty blog and you can go fuck yuorslef! There's not reason for you toe be jealous of people who can afford shit athat you can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're just a GIANT LOSERRRRR!!!!!!
-

I'm going to let you make your judgments about this ... person, and save my breath for something more important.
Can you believe they signed the email with their phone number? What were they expecting me to do?

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Mickey Mouse] [Makes] [People] [Insane]
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My Skin

Dear Constant Reader,

I've been noticing that my skin is dryer than usual, and this is despite the fact that I tend skin the way some tend lawns. With diligence.
Nothing seems to be helping though, and I've beginning to think that it's time for me to run to the nearest dermatologist. I know that the guy has a nasty little habit, but I'm sure I can ignore that if it means that I won't look like Bea Arthur on a crack binge.
I just need to convince myself that the fact that the dermatologist has a penchant for hookers means nothing when it comes to getting my face back.
You didn't hear the hooker thing from me though.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Skin Care] [Hookers] [Skin] [Local]
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I'm Feeling Violent Today

Dear Constant Readers,

Some people would choose to just shove one ballpoint pen into someone's face, but I would love to shove a handful of ballpoint pens into someone's face.
Would that make me a lunatic? It probably would, and so I've decided to spend the day away from the crazies in this town.
There's only so much nut that one can take, and I've had my fill of nuts today. Wow ... did that sound naughty?

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Insane] [People] [Are] [Dangerous]
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Put Me In Coach ... I'm Ready To ... Watch

Dear Constant Reader,

I went to pick up baseball tickets today, and I was more than a little horrified at the prices.
Baseball is the only sport that I can tolerate, and I shouldn't have to drive myself to the poorhouse to enjoy a game.
As if standing in line isn't bad enough, but having to empty my wallet? Where the hell is all my money going?
At least I have my tickets, and I am very prepared to cheer on the Goldeyes to their latest set of victories.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Baseball] [Sports] [Sports Fans] [Games]
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Clickity Click

Dear Constant Reader,

I was doing some more browsing online, and came across Studio RTA Furniture while doing so.
They seem to have everything that I'm looking for, but I've grown more leery of shopping online over the last couple of months.
Shopping online beats have to go from place to place, but I'm not really in the mood to not get the items that I order.
I would be more than interested in reading some of your online shopping stores, and so please leave them in the comments section of this blog.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Furniture] [Online] [Shopping] [Scams]
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Ever Get The Urge?

Dear Constant Reader,

Have you ever had the urge to beat someone senseless because they give you a tumor when they're in your presence?
My caretaker came to pick up his Callaway golf clubs, and I had to resist the urge to cram them individually up his butt.
Why does he store his golf clubs here? He stores everything else here!
He's been told not to do this, but he doesn't seem to care.
The best I can hope for is that he gets himself in trouble for using our yard as a dumping ground.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Golfers] [Are] [Giant] [Idiots]
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HoldEm or FoldEm?

If you're looking for a cool way to jazz up your next home poker game, you need to check out the awesome Poker Table selection at cardroomsupply.com
These are the guys that I get my poker supplies from because they are the best quality you're going to find anywhere. And the price is excellent!
Add a little snap to your poker game today with an amazing looking table that will last forever and won't break the bank.
Not only is shopping from their site easy, convenient, and quick but it's the only place you'll ever want to shop for your poker supplies from now on.
People would ask the following : Why not just use an ordinary folding table? The only answer to that is : Then why even bother playing poker?
Give you, and your buddies a real evening of poker with a table that can absolutely bring a poker game to life. These table truly are the only table that you should ever have to play on again.
I am continuously amazed at the looks that are given to my poker table, and the guys are surprised when they find out what a great deal that I got. These tables are beautifully crafted and guaranteed to get the "oooh's" and "ahh's" from your friends.

This is a paid review.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Poker] [HoldEm] [Poker Supplies] [Gambling]
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My Feet & I

Dear Constant Reader,

Are your feet your best buddy? They probably should be since they are the only things that allow you to move through the day.
The folks over at Active Sandals also care a whole lot about your tender tootsies, and they want to make sure that you get them into the most comfortable footwear possible.
Active Sandals ships Reef sandals direct nationwide. In addition to the largest selection of Reef styles, they also feature: Rainbow, Chaco, Keen, Medium, Cobian, Crocs, and more!
They really do have the best selection, and the best prices for whatever pair of foot fun that you might be looking for.
Why risk tucking your toes into a lesser product?
There's only one place that I would go for sandals, but why would you take my word for it? Do yourself a favor, and check out their site today.
I promise that you won't be disappointed by what they have to offer, and I promise that your feet will thank you.
Great selection, and great prices for your comfort? Who could ask for anything else?
Not only can you get great sandals for yourself, but you can quickly shop for your friends, and family as well!

This is paid review.

Arthur
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Technorati Tags: [Sandals] [Footwear] [Shoes] [Shopping]
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